Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?
You had better be. AMC's The Walking Dead is one of the most popular programmes in cable TV history, and it kicks off a new series Sunday night.
And it's pretty educational.
Fans of the show will know exactly what to do if the country gets overrun by zombies.
(Don't laugh. Some say it could happen. Others say it already has).
If you've skipped the first four seasons, or you just can't remember all the lessons you've learned - relax. We've got your back.
Based on the series so far, here are your top tips for the zombie apocalypse. Print, cut out, and keep in your wallet.
Do... Shoot the zombies chasing you and a child through the forest with that gun you have on your belt.
Don't... trust anyone who keeps a collection of human heads in a fish-tank
Do... arrest a dangerous pyschopathic murderer when he disarms in your presence (NB. Especially if you're a sheriff.)
Don't... respond to a zombie apocalypse by sleeping with your husband's co-worker
Do... remember to check the very large barn on the property when hunting for a missing 12 year old girl
Don't... let your children run around and play unsupervised in the middle of a zombie apocalypse
Do... prepare for an attack of zombies by packing some food
Don't... keep bursting into darkened houses, tunnels, factories and forests looking for zombies that may be lurking in the dark
Do... get zombies to come out in the open where they can be killed easily by, er, banging on the door and waiting
Don't... handcuff someone to a water pipe if you know you may have to evacuate the building immediately
Do... expect someone who you left handcuffed to a waterpipe, and who then had to amputate his own hand with a hacksaw to escape, to be upset with you
Don't... trust someone who thinks he sounds like Liam Neeson
Do... relax by hitting golf balls off a barricade, especially if you can bean a zombie
Don't... assume the guy with the badge has a clue what he's doing
Do... pay more attention to the badass woman with the sword
Don't... ignore the giant clock in a government building that is counting down to zero in big red numbers.
Do... try to remember you have a grenade in your bag while trying to escape from this building just before it blows up.
And above all...
Don't... say "we won't make the same mistakes again," and then make all the same mistakes again.
Brett Arends is the author of The People v. Rick Grimes, a $0.99 Amazon eBook
You had better be. AMC's The Walking Dead is one of the most popular programmes in cable TV history, and it kicks off a new series Sunday night.
And it's pretty educational.
Fans of the show will know exactly what to do if the country gets overrun by zombies.
(Don't laugh. Some say it could happen. Others say it already has).
If you've skipped the first four seasons, or you just can't remember all the lessons you've learned - relax. We've got your back.
Based on the series so far, here are your top tips for the zombie apocalypse. Print, cut out, and keep in your wallet.
Do... Shoot the zombies chasing you and a child through the forest with that gun you have on your belt.
Don't... trust anyone who keeps a collection of human heads in a fish-tank
Do... arrest a dangerous pyschopathic murderer when he disarms in your presence (NB. Especially if you're a sheriff.)
Don't... respond to a zombie apocalypse by sleeping with your husband's co-worker
Do... remember to check the very large barn on the property when hunting for a missing 12 year old girl
Don't... let your children run around and play unsupervised in the middle of a zombie apocalypse
Do... prepare for an attack of zombies by packing some food
Don't... keep bursting into darkened houses, tunnels, factories and forests looking for zombies that may be lurking in the dark
Do... get zombies to come out in the open where they can be killed easily by, er, banging on the door and waiting
Don't... handcuff someone to a water pipe if you know you may have to evacuate the building immediately
Do... expect someone who you left handcuffed to a waterpipe, and who then had to amputate his own hand with a hacksaw to escape, to be upset with you
Don't... trust someone who thinks he sounds like Liam Neeson
Do... relax by hitting golf balls off a barricade, especially if you can bean a zombie
Don't... assume the guy with the badge has a clue what he's doing
Do... pay more attention to the badass woman with the sword
Don't... ignore the giant clock in a government building that is counting down to zero in big red numbers.
Do... try to remember you have a grenade in your bag while trying to escape from this building just before it blows up.
And above all...
Don't... say "we won't make the same mistakes again," and then make all the same mistakes again.
Brett Arends is the author of The People v. Rick Grimes, a $0.99 Amazon eBook