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On William Friedkin's Cruising, 35 Years On

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In the days when obscure movies could only be found by buying expensive foreign DVD copies on Amazon, or sourcing badly burned bootleg copies at flea markets, I discovered William Freidkin's 1980 film Cruising.

It starred Al Pacino as a undercover cop who goes into New York's (apparently) dangerous and seedy gay underworld -- taken from a script written by Friedkin himself. The film had a storyline outlined on Wikipedia that can only be described as salacious and lurid. The narrative naturally beguiled my 16-year-old closeted self, and added to my own internet cruising for doses of gay culture before regularly deleting the browsing history.

With all of Wikipedia's mentions of leather, gay sex and the seedy underground, I knew I had to source a copy of it somewhere -- and a surreptitious Amazon buy with my mom's Visa card did the trick. (She thought the purchase was to track down a school book for English, otherwise unavailable in Australia.)

I was lucky one afternoon when I caught the postman and was able to sneak out the film from its box and replace it with a well-thumbed poetry book. I flew down to my bedroom with the copy of Cruising to read the back cover about the excess of poppers, handkerchiefs and hirsute bodies that would adorn this controversial film.

For those unfamiliar with Cruising, there is an immense amount of notoriety (and campness) that circulates around even up until today. At the time of its release, the film gave a dangerously negative and fiercely homophobic representation of gay men, portraying us as murderous, anti-social and filled with self-destructive impulses.

It also offered up a rare glimpse of what Hollywood thought of gay male sex in the late 1970s. In darkened, harnessed and popper-fuelled sexual exchanges, gay men were seen to live out their sexual impulses, as they dressed in too much leather and would hide out in meatpacking warehouses and dark underground basements.

Cruising sees Al Pacino's everyman character Steve Burns enlisted by the lead detective of a murder case to go undercover into New York's gay leather sex scene after a string of killings take place on gay men in the leather scene. While cruising through the bars and warehouses, Pacino (naturally) experiences a crisis of his masculinity as his attempt to emulate the lifestyle of a gay man. This leads to self-doubt and an identity crisis, which sees him almost lose his girlfriend and his (straight) self-knowledge. (Poor Pacino!)

What made this film so controversial at the time was its pathologization of gay men -- especially given the murderer at the centre is apparently a closeted homosexual. The film engages in the often-used cinematic and literary trope of the closet (where the murderer hides his gay leather/murderous dark identity inside a dilapidated white cupboard).

The larger gay community is treated with distance and curiosity by Friedkin, mostly represented as an anti-social, violent and unstable cohort far more interested in sex and drugs and booze than in pride marches and communal camaraderie.

35 years on, as damning as Cruising remains as an artefact of the "celluloid closet" there is a camp pleasure to be gained from watching it. Although at 16 I was hungry to see more frank representations of sex and gay male culture on the big screen, watching Cruising was a demoralizing -- though laughable -- experience.

The film's camp quality is mostly derived from its bizarre negotiation of Al Pacino's character's straightness and masculinity within the gay leather scene. Evidently what interested Friedkin -- since on top of directing the movie he also wrote its abysmal screenplay -- was the idea of manliness and its articulation in the heterosexual and homosexual spheres respectively.

In a fantastically absurd scene by today's standards, Al Pacino (playing the undercover queer) and his faux-homosexual lover are dragged into the local precinct to be grilled about the string of murderers that have been taking place. The police mistake the sting Pacino has set-up between himself and the boy he took home with him, after a walkie-talkie fails and they take the muffled noises from inside an apartment as Pacino about to be murdered.

With Pacino in on the act, the cops play out (good cop/bad cop) before we see a naked muscular black man donning a cowboy hat straddle in and smack Pacino right in the face, throwing him to the floor. Because neither are confessing to any involvement in the murders, the police must bring in the heavy guns to bully a confession out.

The obvious tact being that Pacino is to be assaulted in the question room to drive out a confession from his terrified gay male companion. As the black assailant side steps out (with his ass cheeks hanging firmly in a jockstrap) the scene becomes even more ridiculous when Pacino, recovering from his punch, then verbally attacks the body-builder and flings his cowboy hat out of the window.

Friedkin's interest in staging such a contrived (sagging) scene might be easily explained by the claim that this was standard police practice in the 1980s. But you might interpret this moment (as I know do) as Friedkin's attempt to lift the film's grim and homophobic energy in the guise of this ridiculous and bizarre fracas.

Many at the time of its release condemned the film for its inherent homophobia, including the gay community as Cruising told the world that gay men are killers, are killed or can only be characterized by their obsession in sex and hedonism. 35 years on, we can reassess the film's bizarre and pathological representation of gay men as it remains an antiquated artefact of Hollwood's own "celluloid closet".

Thanks to the pleasures of camp readings, we can also savour Pacino's bad performance as an undercover cop with masculinity problems, while revelling in the knowledge that Friedkin's decision to make this film singlehandedly killed his career.


How Kunj Shah Took His Love for Phish and Turned It Into a Successful Business

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At the age of 27, Kunj Shah has accomplished more than most in the music industry. The young yet powerful owner of Live for Live Music, a music media, marketing and production company, has his hands and feet in just about everything he can. His training and approach is anything but conventional. Just like so many of us music fanatics Kunj has an epic passion for music and the band Phish. His passion has evolved into a massive music entity that is involved in everything from presenting tours to producing shows, all while maintaining a reliable news source for live music fans that remains at the forefront of social media today. So basically Kunj is awesome and I had to interview him!

Kunj and friends at his 27th birthday party
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Taraleigh: What's lighting you up right now?

Kunj: Wow, where do I start? So many things!

We recently presented Lettuce's Fall Tour and I'm still glowing from that. You know, most people only see the glorified side of the music industry but they don't know what these musicians, managers, and tour managers deal with on a daily basis. Trucking from city to city, day after day, puts such a toll on the body, but these guys seem to push through it for the love of the music. Neal Evans (keyboardist) broke his ribs halfway through tour, Adam Deitch (drummer) got his hand smashed in the tour bus's door, yet they still managed to play on through until the very end and bring the funk night after night. I think the coolest part was that we'd watch these cats write a song that day, and play it for the first time live that night! The band's got balls!

From there Umphrey's McGee asked us to present their 2015 Winter Tour. These guys are absolutely crushing it, selling out beautiful, huge theaters all over the country. They're also so down to earth, hilariously funny, and really care about their fans like no other band in the scene today. Any band trying to build an organic fan base should take notes from Umphrey. Check out our tour log from their current Winter Tour here.

Taraleigh: Holy moly! Just reading what you're up to is lighting me up. Thank you for being a lighthouse of awesome for the rest of us. What else are you up to?

Kinj: We've got some major plans of expanding our Live for Live Music brand while giving back to some places that really inspired us over the years like New Orleans. When I went down for my first year for Jazz Fest, the culture, the music, the history had me in smiles, tears, and all sorts of emotions. Creating one of a kind shows and super jams with members of bands that usually don't collaborate lights me up big time. Lit up by NOLA, we have another project in the works that was inspired by that Frenchman Street vibe, where you just hop around from venue to venue. I can't say much but it involves turning Brooklyn into Frenchman Street for a day!

Chicago is another place we plan on making a big statement during the Dead Reunion with Trey Anastasio. We've rented venues just walking distance from Soldier Field and will be throwing some kick ass pre and post-parties with some serious talent we can't announce yet. I think it's an important place for live music fans to congregate this July 4th weekend, as the live music scene owes so much to The Dead and Phish's business model.

When we're not throwing our own events our marketing department is hired by the bigger promoters (Live Nation, AEG, Bowery Presents) on a consistent basis and the by bigger festivals to either co-promote or market the event to our loyal readership and amazing fan base. We'll be promoting and partnering with some amazing festivals this summer! We're lucky in that the fan base we built has the same mindset we do. They don't come out for just one concert a year, they're live music addicts that go to 2-3 shows a week. You could say they Live For Live Music!

I also recently started managing Todd Stoops' (RAQ/Kung Fu) solo career! When he asked me to do it, I was blown away. The keyboardist from my favorite band when I was in high school, RAQ, is really asking me to manage his solo career?

Taraleigh: I find that in life it's important to put all your energy into digging one big hole. It's so easy to scatter your energy and to start digging small holes all over the place which leads you to nowhere. Even though you've got a lot going on, it seems to me that all your energy is going into digging that one big awesome hole and you're gettin places! Keep digging dude! How did all of this awesome begin?

Kunj: To be honest, it started as an excuse to stay on Phish tour almost four years ago before it quickly snowballed into the huge entity that it is today. I love that band because they do everything so unconventionally, never got any attention from any media, they never cared and they just said screw it and did things the way they wanted. It's probably why we've always kind of operated on this model of striking a perfect balance of being on top of our sh*t while not giving too much of a f*ck what other people are doing.

The start of our company and our launch party story is pretty funny. On March 14th, 2012 I booked my favorite keyboardist of all time, Marco Benevento, and had him play on the third floor of my father's dentist office. I remember soundcheck was going on and patients were freaking out wondering what the hell was going on upstairs. I still have the banner that we used to cover the Medical and Dental office sign to make it say Live For Live Music Studios!

Kunj rocking out with Marco Benevento at the Live for Live Music Launch Party
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Taraleigh: Haha! This is a perfect example of doing something even when you might not feel completely ready because when do we ever really feel completely ready? Sometimes you've just got to put yourself out there and do it! What's your big 'why' for doing what you do?

Kunj: I started off managing a medical/dental office and realized I hated it. Then I started to day trade stocks and noticed I was making money off of other's misfortunes and that didn't feel aligned. I thought to myself, "What could I do to bring happiness to people that makes me happy at the same time?" I love live music, I go to so many shows a week, I tour around following bands just for the fun of it. I noticed I barely see anyone at a concert not enjoying themselves. I wanted to be involved with that, whatever that was. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to do exactly what I want to do, how I want to do it, and give back to these amazing musicians that have had such a positive impact on my life growing up!

Taraleigh: Yes yes yes! Do it for the love baby. I know it hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns along the journey. What's a big obstacle you've overcome?

Kunj: I was brought on as the marketing director/talent buyer for True Music Festival last December. Suddenly I was second in charge of a multi-million dollar event while never having thrown something on such a massive scale before. There was a lot of pressure on my shoulders. The director of the festival didn't understand the community vibe you need to create because he wasn't a festival guy.

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The festival ended up doing great because we booked amazing acts like Flaming Lips, Bassnectar, Wiz Khalifa, GriZ, Capital Cities, Lord Huron and hellogoodbye. We included Burning Man art installations and even an option for people to skydive into the festival. I'm lucky to have learned so much from that experience. It taught me to work with like-minded people who are in this industry for the right reasons.

Taraleigh: Sounds to me like even in that challenging situation you listened to your intuition and stood by your morals and beliefs. And you learned so many lessons which all obstacles in our lives teach us. What a miracle! What's a golden piece of advice you've gotten?

Kunj: Be present. The best ideas in this industry don't happen when you're sitting in an office, writing on a white board and searching for ways to increase profits. They happen at shows, festivals, concerts, green rooms, and after parties when everyone's getting loose and having a good time. Go to every concert, festival, and event you possibly can, because that's where you'll meet the like-minded people you need to work with to make things happen.

Taraleigh: Great advice. This can be applied to pretty much any industry. Today is the only today you'll ever have so you might as well make it the best day ever. What are you grateful for?

Kunj: I'm grateful that I get to do what I love every day, but there are certain moments that stand out. Last year we produced Lettuce's tribute to James Brown at Stage 48, which was cool because John Starks from the New York Knicks, my family's all-time basketball hero, came out to the show to announce them. At the time my parents from India didn't understand that selling out Stage 48 on a Wednesday night in New York City was a big deal, but the opportunity for them to meet and chat it up with John Starks was the biggest deal ever!

Kunj and family with John Starks from the New York Knicks
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Another one of my highlights that I'm so grateful for was when we were throwing a sold out show at LPR in the city and Adam Deitch told me to put Mike Gordon from Phish on the guest list. I totally thought he was messing with me, and I didn't put him on the list. Luckily I went outside and saw the massive line and my jaw dropped as I saw Mike struggling to get in. I quickly grabbed him and brought him in. I'm not going to lie, despite talking to and hanging out with artists on a daily basis, I was shaking the entire time, and could barely get more than three words out except for "Photo Me Please."

Something similar happened again after Phish's Randalls Island run where L4LM was throwing an after party at B.B. King's featuring Roosevelt Collier, Adam Deitch, Ron Johnson and Jennifer Hartswick performing their own take on Jimi Hendrix's Band of Gypsies. I walked into the green room to find all my favorite musicians like Jon Fishman and Mike Gordon from Phish, Jeremy Salkin from Big Gigantic, John "the Barber" Gutwillig from the Disco Biscuits, DJ Logic, one of my best friends Jesus Coomes and our homies The Shady Horns! I couldn't believe it, all these guys came to a show we put on, not because they were getting paid or playing, but just because we put on such an awesome show, and that they wanted to be there in attendance. It was one of those ah ha! moments where you know you're doing something right.

Lastly, and most importantly, I'm grateful for the amazing team that work day in and day out to help build Live for Live Music to what it is today. Some work two jobs or go to school just to be able to work for us and I couldn't be more grateful to every single one of them.

Taraleigh: You have so much to be grateful for. I'm inspired just by hearing it. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to chat with me. See you at a show!

The awesome in me sees and bows to the awesome in you,

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My happy place is wherever the live music is. Each day I try to infuse a little of the awesome I feel at shows into my morning so I can start the day off on the right foot. I do some epic morning rituals so I can get to my happy place every day. Before I started this practice I used to feel like something was wrong with myself and my life when I wasn't at my happy place.
I thought,

"Why am I not at a festival ALL the time?"

"I'm so tired all the time. There must be something medically wrong with me."

"When is Phish finally going to announce their next tour so I can start living fully again?"

I realized that I wasn't enjoying the present moment because all I was doing was pining to be at a music festival or show. The more time that went between festivals the more tired and sad I became. I even manifested some serious sicknesses and injuries. Going to shows and festivals charges my battery and is very important to my well being, but that doesn't mean my battery should drastically go empty when I'm not experiencing live music.

One of the ways I charge my battery daily is to my doing some epic morning rituals every morning. The reason I love live music so much is because I feel oneness, alive, ecstatic, in the flow and happy. I thought, "How can I infuse those feelings into my daily life?"

I share one of the ways I do this in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk_wTD8t0fo&feature=youtu.be


I want to support you to create your own ‪#‎epicmorningritual‬. Sign up to participate in the ‪#‎irockmymorning‬ challenge here.

It's all happening March 2-4th.

Why the Boyhood Oscar Snub Smarts So Much

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Short and sweet. Boyhood should have won.

Oh, it won lots of awards. But not the big one. The Oscar. The award which for better or worse is still the one that truly matters.

We can say the Academy Award doesn't matter to truly independent filmmakers and their fans. We can use this as the ultimate -- or most recent -- proof that the Academy just doesn't "get it."

But everyone does that. People who love the more popular fare that doesn't even get nominated say the same thing. So do the people who wouldn't be caught dead watching a big box office hit. The Academy can't win for losing.

But this time, they really got it wrong.

Birdman is a tour de force, there's no getting around it. Alejandro Inarritu has given us a startling and ingenious new way of seeing a story.

But Boyhood gave us a whole new way of thinking about what a story is. What life is, for that matter.

We know about "high concept" stories, the Batman/Fast and Furious/50 Shades stuff that you can sum up in a sentence. We understand conventional plots that arc just as they should. Even a child can tell you exactly what should and does happen in all of them.

Boyhood isn't like any of them. In fact, it is as bewildering to some as the songs my Hopi in laws sing. No "hook," no chorus, no bridge. Just a stream of beautiful images and ideas that pass by...and then stop.

Linklater chose to hold up tiny moments from our own little lives to the light and say, "Look at that. And that. And that, too..." And dared to believe that those little day-to-day miracles that sometimes happen 'way too fast in real life were also "plot points" worthy of capturing on film.

I was that weeping mother watching her last child leave for college and suddenly realizing the daily details and dramas of single parenting were officially over. And wondering what on earth to do next and how on earth it had happened so fast.

Which scene was yours? Which scenes reminded you of people, places, crises, triumphs that slipped past you before you could savor them?

And wasn't it wonderful to realize that someone had saved them on film for you?

There was a lot of grumbling about how little the top contenders for best picture had earned. And as the entertainment business reels from all the changes the digital revolution hath wrought, it may be difficult for the Academy to decide where it stands.

I still hoped that this year, despite it all, the Academy would stand, firmly, on the side of the dreamers who make little ripples that eventually become huge waves.

They missed so many other opportunities. In fact, Neil Patrick Harris hit the biggest one dead on, right at the beginning of the show.

"Welcome to the 87th Oscars. Tonight, we honor Hollywood's best and whitest. Sorry, brightest," he said. And the applause surprised and moved me.

But they shut out a story made of all the little gems from our own little lives. A story that took a devoted director, cast and crew 12 years to cut and place and polish those little gems until they made our eyes shine, as we watched.

I'm not saying exactly what I want to say because Boyhood's effect -- and importance -- is almost indescribable. And I'm still fuming. But...try this.

At the end of Boyhood, you don't want to fist pump or go out and conquer the world. You just want to live more consciously in that world. To reach out and touch and embrace everything you love. And to take nothing for granted, ever again. Not even the sad and scary stuff.

So Boyhood is more than just a film.

And it will take its place in film history, Oscar or no.

Photo credit: Promotional still

Meet YouTube Star Grace Helbig, the New Face of E! (VIDEO)

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Grace Helbig is the perfect example of how being "Huge on the Tube" (#HOTT) can make you just plain huge (figuratively). The vlogger turned bestselling author is well known for her video "The Girlfriend Tag," where she put her friendship with fellow YouTube personality Hannah Hart to the test. Grace talks about her viewers' peculiar fanfiction and more on today's "Huge on the Tube," a VH1-What's Trending production.

"It's really fun to see how much we do and do not know about each other," Helbig said about the experience with Hart. "There is all of this mystery, I guess, in the community that follows both Hannah and I as to whether or not we're dating. I've never really understood the idea of 'shipping' people."

Special thanks to our awesome YouTube commentators, Lisa Schwartz, Shanna Malcolm and Jimmy Wong!

Kicking Oscar Out of the Bingo Hall: Creating February Madness for the Academy Awards

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I knew last night seemed familiar as the Academy Awards dripped by. I was once again trapped in the living room of my grandmother's 1974 Florida mobile home. The room was stuffy; there was nowhere to go, as even shuffleboard or laps on the awesome giant tricycles were forbidden to all under 65--and the pond had gators, reportedly.

Last night I watched my 40th consecutive Oscars. It began when I was in fifth grade with One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest sweeping the major awards. With the advent of cable TV's 400 more channels, Twitter feeds and on-demand viewing, a lot has changed--except for the Oscars.

Stuck in Lawrence Welk-Land

It still starts at 8:30 p.m. and still runs past midnight thanks to the the Death Valley of songs, oddball tributes and eternal commercials somewhere half-past "It's-gotta-be-over-soon" o'clock. There is still the same generally awkward monologue/opening number--with the brief 1990s Billy Crystal hiatus between rotating comedians who all get trashed the next day. Every year there are minor tweaks--for example, last night there weren't any montages except for The Sound of Music highlights. But after the usual "In Memoriam" section, there was the bonus tribute song to the fallen--which used to sometimes happen during the slide show. Then, in the last 15 minutes, we are rushed through Best Director, Actress and Picture--as if it's our fault that ABC is out of time.

My favorite part was when they queued the band to not-so-gently tell the winners that their second-language thank-you time had expired because they needed to hurry to Neil Patrick Harris strolling the aisles talking to seat fillers.

Oh, well, maybe Oscar is too much like my grandma--just too set in her ways and needing to get to the hairstylist on Tuesdays at 4:30 for Bingo at 7 p.m. Fat chance they'll have a Best Comedy award. Too many great comedies are bypassed by the Life Cereal Academy--if people enjoy it too much, something must be wrong with it. MMD Contributing writers Kale Davidoff and Sheri Horwitz have even suggested they add Best Trailer, Best Animated Voice-Over--or at least Best Agent; after all, they do get thanked enough in the speeches, just ahead of parents and children, and they sometimes even make the casualty montage.

February Madness?

Perhaps the Oscars might reinvent itself like two successful sporting events--the Olympics and the NCAA Tournament--have successfully done since the Gerald Ford era

NBC has done its homework and realized that broadcasting on multiple channels over two weeks hits all its various audiences, with the women's vote (like the Oscars) carrying the most weight--thus the prime-time slots go to swimming, gymnastics, figure skating and skiing. You can always switch to CNBC if you want to catch badminton or curling. And Bob Costas is perennially there, braving even pinkeye, to offer an up-close and personal story of a weight lifter who is surrounded by rescued dogs and flips large tractor tires in his farmyard.

CBS has realized the juggernaut ratings of its opening weekend of March Madness, partnering with Turner Sports to allow homes and happy bar owners to have all 32 games on Thursday and Friday playing from noon to 1 a.m. Imagine the same captured audience if the Academy could somehow string along its Sunday-night glacier movement into biteable chunks for us mavens--so 11:15 doesn't feel like Mile 11 in a marathon.

Sadly even this Oscar junkie found himself yawning last night, unbelievably during Lady Gaga's amazing pipes as she sang, in record-commercial style, the greatest hits of the The Sound of Music canon ("Edelweiss" gets just one line?), followed by the classy Julie Andrews. Was my 50 years finally succumbing to techno-ADD and a need to check my email, my blog's Oscar pool and snarky Twitter and Facebook posts?

The Detroit Institute of Arts offers Michigan's only venue to watch all 10 nominated shorts in one sitting. In its first five years, this program has become a sell-out must-see event in Detroit--all for the category nobody previously had access to. There's obvious an interest to see these films--yet they're still given the bum's rush at the ceremony due to ratings. So perhaps what we need is a February Madness--or at least one weekend devoted to the Academy Awards.

Here's what would hook me, anyway. ABC is welcome to adjust, of course.

Friday

  • 7 p.m. to 11:30 p.m.: Nominated Documentaries (Part 1)


Saturday

  • 10 a.m. to 1 p.m.: Nominated Documentaries (Part 2)

  • 1 p.m. to 4 p.m.: Short Documentaries

  • 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.: Science and Technology Awards

  • 8 p.m. to 11 p.m.: Animated Shorts and Live-Action Shorts


Sunday

  • 1 p.m. to 7 p.m.: Special Mini-Docs on Nominees (like Costas' Olympic profiles)

  • 7 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: Production Awards (makeup, sound, editing, cinematography, etc.)

  • 9 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.: Music, Acting, Directing, Best Picture


The Super Bowl pre-game show that lasts at least 12 hours is testament to the unquenchable thirst people have for the evening's main event--thus the awful red carpet hours on E! Why not use those six hours to show us what those nominated hairdressers do on a set--or at least educate us on how sound mixing is different from sound editing.

Not only does the above schedule allows for great binge-watching, but adults could host slumber parties or even arrange weekend trips with pals. My wife and I went with five other couples to just see the shorts last weekend at the DIA and had a blast. Imagine how much fun an entire weekend could be!

And ABC, think of the money you could reel in by selling off tickets to us junkies--like on-demand boxing matches. It might be too much to expect that all of the above scheduling might happen for "free" on ABC's family of channels, but you never know.

Originally published in Kevin's blog, MyMediaDiary.

Why Julianne Moore in Still Alice Was Spot On as an Alzheimer's Sufferer

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There's no doubt Julianne Moore well deserved her Oscar for Best Actress in Still Alice. Her portrayal of a 50-year-old woman undergoing the early onset of Alzheimer's disease is heartbreaking and compassionate as she characterizes the deterioration and downfall of the life she loved and knew. The film is playing as part of the 2015 Glasgow Film Festival.

At the start of the film, she portrayed her character Alice as a confident, accomplished, tenured professor at a prestigious New York City university. She's a high-flying tiger mom as she interacts with her three adult children. With one son in medical school and one daughter (Kate Bosworth) as a lawyer, it was the troubled, emotional relationship with the third child, played by Kristen Stewart, which was fascinating to watch. She was the one who opted out of college to try her hand in theater in Los Angeles. Over dinner, the mother and daughter argue over higher education versus happiness as a jobbing actor.

As the film progresses, little things are starting to throw Alice off. She gets lost on the campus where she's taught for years. Suddenly, she's at a loss for words and they drop out of her vocabulary when she prides herself as a linguistics professor. A brain tumor?! -- as many of us tend to wonder when we're having a bad day.

Getting old and forgetting things, especially with busy lives and children, is normal. It's the realization when you begin to lose part of your vibrant self that Moore captures so poignantly. If you see someone stricken with Alzheimer's, you might feel sympathy, and even revulsion ashamedly, because you don't know who that person is underneath the verbal mutterings and physical frailties.

As I watched my own step-grandfather in Taiwan decline with Alzheimer's disease, you realize what a strange ailment it is, especially if you live halfway around the world and you see them intermittently. One moment he was incoherent at a Thanksgiving dinner in Taiwan, centered on a cooked rooster with its comb burnt black in my grandmother's version of a roasted bird. The next moment, the former lawyer asks a sharp question about your piano playing because he remembered you took lessons from the last visit a few years ago. Meanwhile, he wears a bloodied bandage around his head because he fell as he walked down the stairs.

Still Alice also deals with untold pressures on the family members with empathy. Before she completely loses it all, her husband, played by Alec Baldwin, disappoints her, knowing she can't move because she'll lose all familiarity. Still, Alice has to appreciate she's had a great marriage and life can't stop for those around her, even if her life is about to come to a standstill. It's her daughter, with whom she has a contentious relationship, who comes through at the end with the most compassion.

That's what love is when someone has Alzheimer's, and there's no easy way to live. Moore portrayed this particular disease with humanity and teaches a lesson for us all.

Junk Culture: Chats with OMD's Andy McCluskey, The Crests' JT Carter and Todd Valentine, Plus Michael Des Barres and Gloom Baloon Exlcusives

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A Conversation with Andy McCluskey of Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark

Mike Ragogna: Hey, rumor has it that Junk Culture has been expanded to celebrate its thirtieth anniversary.

Andy McCluskey: Yeah, there is, although it took us so long to expand it and remaster it that we're actually now celebrating its thirty-first year rather than its thirtieth.

MR: Andy, how did the original album come together? What's the storyline to that?

AM: It's an interesting album in the OMD timeline because its immediate predecessor, whilst now being considered to be our ultimate artistic conceptual masterpiece, managed to lose us ninety percent of our record buying audience at the time. Both consciously and unconsciously we kind of veered away from the precipice of the really experimental stuff. We had always been experimental, we started out as a group that had no intention of trying to be a popular music group. We were a conceptual art project in the form of two guys who made noises. We were very surprised when the things we'd been writing since the age of sixteen were, three or four years later, considered to be the future of pop music by Anthony Wilson who was starting Factory Records. We thought he was nuts but we accepted his offer of a contract to make a single. True to his word he got us onto a major label and onto Top Of The Pops. He saw something in us that we hadn't seen ourselves.

So we proceeded our career of doing whatever the hell we felt like and selling millions of records. But yeah, we went perhaps a little too sharply radical on the Dazzle Ships album in 1983. So Junk Culture, we were old men of twenty three or twenty four making our fifth album--this is how telescoped our career was--and we decided that we were going to take time and we were going to have some hits. The album is a really amazing collection of really bright and well-crafted pop songs. There's still a few interesting and unusual tracks in there, but we were definitely leaning towards a slightly more cautious approach. However I think it's possibly the tipping point of our career in terms of the quality of our music. It is the catchiest, poppiest album we've ever made, and it's the last one we made where we were in complete control and we had time to do it. Thereafter we were running out of time to make albums. It's an interesting marker in our career.

MR: When you were making the album, did you ever say, "Okay, this song could be popped up a bit more"? If you did, which songs were most affected by that?

AM: Actually, this new deluxe album that's being released, the second CD has five tracks on it which clearly show the developmental process, taking what were still some fairly abstract ideas, but this time we were absolutely going to polish them until they sounded like pop songs. To be honest, in hindsight I think that is actually the hardest balancing act in the world to do: To take a conceptual idea and actually turn it into a bit of listenable pop music. I'm very proud of our ability to have done that over the years, right from songs like "Electricity" or "Enola Gay" or the Joan of Arc song, we have throughout most of our talent actually tried to make listenable music ideas very often. Yeah, there's tracks on the album like "White Trash" and "Tesla Girls," about the inventor Nikola Tesla who's effectively the father of electricity. If you don't know who Nikola Tesla was, you listen to "Tesla Girls" and it just sounds like a slamming piece of mid-eighties electro pop, but the lyrics are actually very carefully crafted. I actually researched this as though it was a research process for a university thesis!

MR: Tesla is one of the more fascinating historical figures. "Talking Loud And Clear" and "Locomotion" were of course a couple of other big hits from the record. Did having these successful singles and general success with the album give you a paradigm for moving forward?

AM: Yeah. "Locomotion" is a fairly easy-to-digest single and was in fact our first top forty hit in the US. We'd previously been on Epic records in the US, who were making so much money off of Michael Jackson that they really couldn't be bothered with us. Their idea of releasing an OMD album was to hide it under the office carpet and see if anyone found it, I think. And they didn't. So we remained in college radio obscurity and alternative land whilst we were selling millions of records in the rest of the world. So bless A&M, they took us on and they had a hit with locomotion. "Talking Loud And Clear" actually is one of those songs where in hindsight you go, "Oh yeah, that's a very pretty, beautiful, bright pop song, but if you sit down and analyze it it's quite a dysfunctional song. It's made out of all sorts of weird bits of acoustic bass samples and backwards sleigh bells.

Actually it was our demo of a fantastic machine we bought called a Fairlight CMI. It was the first programmable computer for making music. When we bought it in 1983 it cost twenty three thousand pounds which at the time in dollars was probably forty five thousand dollars. That's what my parents' house was valued at at the time. It was a fairly extraordinary device, but we just loaded up a bunch of random sounds into the computer to demo it and we wrote "Talking Loud And Clear." That's how that came about. But you know, the success of Junk Culture in America, in some respects, sewed the seeds of the demise of OMD because it was the relentless touring around the US for the next three years that ended up with us being so exhausted and short of time to write albums.

MR: Was there a career plan for the band?

AM: Well, unfortunately, there wasn't really a long-term plan. We were living largely from hand to mouth. We had signed a record deal when we were teenagers in 1979 to a subsidiary of Virgin Records. The record royalty was so appallingly low that despite the millions of records we'd sold we were earning pennies. I'm not complaining, because were were happy to make records. We didn't make records to become millionaire pop stars, but the impact was that we were constantly short of money. Once we started touring America, which cost us a fortune, because we were losing money on tour trying to break America, we got into this vicious circle where we'd be on tour for nine months, spent more than we earned, the record company would say, "Hey, we'd love a new record for Christmas" and our manager would say, "Yeah, and you need to take the advance because you've got no money." We began chasing our tails. Friends of ours like Depeche Mode and Erasure who had deals on Mute Records were on fifty/fifty deals. When they sold millions of records, after the recording costs and the video costs were paid for, they split the profit fifty/fifty, whereas we were on a percentage that was just massively lower than that out of which we incurred all of the recording costs and the costs of touring. That's why Depeche Mode are all multimillionaires and we're not. [laughs]

MR: Well, that's not a nice story!

AM: That's just what happens. You sign a record deal when you're nineteen and you can repent at leisure for the rest of your life. As I said, we didn't sign a deal in order to be rich or pop stars, we just wanted to be able to take our music to people. And for a while we were afforded that opportunity, it's just that in the end the business kind of bit us in the backside. Because of the pressures of trying to stay alive financially, I think we ended up becoming the sort of band we never wanted to, who were making records because we had to make records to pay the bills, rather than making records because we had something we really wanted to say. It's very different now.

MR: Things are very different now because the kids are taking back the publishing and promotion duties, and it seems healthier. In some ways it feels like they don't need mommy and daddy anymore.

AM: You can certainly approach the music industry from a position of more control. Because you can make records more cheaply with the technology that's available now you don't need to go to a record company effectively for a loan, which is what it was, to borrow their money to get started and then to use their machinery to publicize yourself. It can be done in different ways, unless you're the absolute fully-marketed manufactured pop artist who needs somebody to find them a song and make them a video and get them a look or you're the top end of the rock world. The rest of the music industry, quite frankly, doesn't have a functioning business model. It's quite interesting to see everybody casting around and trying to find a way to do it.

MR: When I was at the labels, I used to see contracts with five-to-ten percent artist royalties. For a while, that wasn't uncommon.

AM: Yeah, absolutely. Obviously, the labels were in the business of being a business and making money, and the profits that they made allowed them to have bands in the middle ground, where the label was maybe making a recovery but the band wasn't making any profits. But the label kept them alive, bands who everybody's heard of but never really made a lot of money, but had several albums in them because, eh, the books just about balanced and the music industry could afford to lose money on creative and daring propositions. They will never ever take a chance on bands like that now because nobody's prepared to lose money so nobody will touch anything they consider a risk or too experimental or is not going to sell.

MR: I want to ask about your reformation. What is that story?

AM: The original band split up at the end of the eighties, I carried on for a short while in the nineties. By the mid nineties, the heights of Brit pop and grunge had come along in the US and a band that was perceived as an eighties synth band was considered to be past its sell-by date and nobody was interested. It was a bit disappointing for us, having adopted synthesizers as a way of doing music for the future. Once we got to the post modern line everybody realized that there was nothing new, there was no "new" as in future new, it was all going to become remakes, remodels, and rehashes. Pop in every sense, not just music but fashion, architecture, film, art, was going to start eating itself. That's what it's been doing for the last twenty-odd years. We didn't realize it at the time so we were a bit freaked out. "Hang on, we started to play synth because we thought guitars were cliché. You mean guitars are now the future again? How the hell does that happen?" [laughs] So that was interesting.

We just thought, "Bah, this isn't working, we'll go and do something else," so we stopped. Then the new millennium came along and people started to ask us, "Hey, electronic's coming back in, would you play live? Would you produce this album?" Some new bands started to name check us as being influential and seminal and nice words like that. We figured we had a bit of unfinished business and we'd like to play some gigs. We got offered to play on this German TV show and just for a laugh we said, "Let's go and do a TV show." We had so much fun being a band together for the first time in seventeen years we thought we'd do some gigs. They sold out. The trouble was, then, that it was nice to play the concerts, but we sort of thought, "Oh here we go, are we just going to pick up where we left off? We don't just want to be another eighties pop group. We don't want to be part of the eighties revival, we're not doing this for our pensions. And, frankly, if all we're going to do is tour and play our old catalog effectively we're being a tribute band to ourselves."

So we dared to do the dangerous and stupid thing and write some new music. Actually, the first new album we did was very well-received and the last album, English Electric, people seem to be putting up there along with the first five albums we ever made, saying, "This is as good as you ever were, because you're being daring, you're taking risks, you're asking questions again, and you're the only band of your generation who actually seem to be doing that." That's been really exciting for us.

MR: Many bands and artists have said they were inspired by you. Do you feel any responsibility to be innovative these days?

AM: We are constantly looking for new ways to use found sounds. We've often used found sounds. People who know us for our full catalog and not just the singles on the radio know that we could craft a beautiful pop song, but we also did some pretty funky musique concrète pieces, things that ask questions musically. Our record company used to say, "Are you ABBA or Stockhausen?" and we'd say, "We're both." It made sense to us. The problem is that it's a bit of a balancing act. It goes back to what I was saying about trying to make something intellectual but to wrap it in such musical craftsmanship that it bears repeated listening. We've all heard stuff that's experimental and you listen to it and go, "Oh, that's interesting. Do I want to listen to it again? Nah," because it has no musical merit. It doesn't have any beauty or anything to it. We're particularly trying to find ways to import glitch music into our sound. We're getting there slowly. There's a guy who makes music under the name Atom™, he did an album a couple of years ago called HD, which I think was the first really musical glitch album I've ever heard. We're still trying to do something interesting, we're working on a new album we're excited about.

MR: Nice, when is that due?

AM: Some time next year. We're not going to put any pressure on it. This is the thing that Paul Humphries and I are really enjoying these days. It's like being kids again. We're not making records for money, we don't have to pay the bill snow with the record sales. We're fortunate that sufficient of our songs going on compilations and going on films and the radio we can actually live off of our royalties. The records now are just like the old days, when we could do what the hell we wanted. The trick is to not be some disassociated middle-aged loser in his ivory tower who's deluding himself that he still has something to say when actually he doesn't. But fortunately we're still conceited enough to believe we do still have something to say. Even more fortunately the people who have been hearing our records seem to agree. [laughs]

MR: You of your more significant recordings in the nineties was "Dream Of Me" that, in my opinion, could have been a huge record. It was influenced by Barry White's "Love Theme" but got caught up in a legal tug because of the sampling and interpolation. Could you tell that story?

AM: Yeah. We had a problem. I talked to Barry White who said he liked the idea and we could share credit, but his publishers claimed it was a full cover version and they wanted a hundred percent. Then the people who owned the copyright on The Mamas & The Papas' "Dream A Little Dream Of Me" wanted fifty percent just for the Mama Cass sample. I was like, "Hang on, I can't give you a hundred and fifty percent of a song!" [laughs] So the original really beautiful version that had all of the samples in had to get hacked back to a recreation. It never was quite as beautiful as it should have been. I got really shafted on that one.

MR: Andy, what advice do you have for new artists?

AM: I think it really depends on what they're trying to do. If you just want to do it because you love music and you just want to have an outlet for it and want people to hear what you do and to express yourself creatively or intellectually, just do it. We are in a strange place at the moment, I keep seeing all these new acts coming through that win all these Grammys and I'm sure that these people do truly believe that what they're doing is art and they put their heart and soul into it, but to me, because we are in this post modern era, it doesn't resonate particularly strongly with me. It's really just not new, it's all a rehash. I know they genuinely believe they're pouring their heart and their soul and their lives into their heart, but to me it just seems like a pastiche of something that's been done before. I don't like to criticize people, but I find myself consistently unmoved by the majority of music. I don't want to sound like some grumpy old man, there is still new and exciting music and there's still new and exciting ways to use the old clichéd rock 'n' roll instruments that we were fighting against thirty five years ago, but my advice would be, be clear in your goals and stick to your principles.

MR: Beautiful.

AM: But don't expect to make any money these days. [laughs]

MR: Ha! You know, it is interesting, when you look at the history of the business of music, I think the huge amounts of money companies and some artists or music entities made at the time of their hits were an anomaly, only sustainable for a certain period only. Back in the day when the industry was booming, it was because music was our cultural pastime. That's where the money went, to stereos, records, etc.. Now there are so many other things to entertain ourselves with that the industry has a much more crowded playing field.

AM: It's an interesting point, that. For the longest time, most musicians were just itinerant and lived from hand to mouth. Then in the mid to late twentieth century there was a coming together of the technology, TV and radio and record player, media technology suddenly allowed millions of people to listen to things and all tune into the same thing at the same time. There was a crashing wave and the people who were riding the top of it suddenly became international superstars, from Glenn Miller and Sinatra and Elvis and The Beatles right through to the seventies and eighties, and now it's dissipating and going back to a little more like it always was and always should have been.

MR: Getting back to Junk Culture, when you were putting together the deluxe addition together, were there any surprises or particular memories stirred up?

AM: Oh absolutely. It reminded us that we left our own recording studio, stupidly. We had our own place in Liverpool and we thought the little en passe that we were in was because were were going to the same place every day. No, we were just having writers' block. But we became nomadic and wandered the world, we went to the highlands of Scotland, London, Montserrat in the Caribbean to George Martin's studio, hence a few of the reggae and calypso things that snuck in. Our mission was to always do something new, even if it meant abandoning the synthesizers that we'd started with.

One of the other things that's patently obvious when you see the clothes we were wearing at the time, after five or six years of being told we were the boring bank clerks of pop because we didn't want to be Spandau Ballet or Culture Club--we didn't want to be pop stars, we didn't want to look like pop stars, we wanted to be the antithesis of pop stars--we got so fed up with people going, "Oh, still wearing the white shirts and the ties, are you?" "You want us to be pop stars? Okay. We're going to wear your grandmother's chintz curtains with plaid and tartan trousers and electric blue ties and we are going to look such a horrible clash of clothing. We'll do pop star clothing irony, okay?" If you see photos of us from 1984, we look like an explosion in a fashion factory, it's hilarious. We were constantly doing it just to say, "F*ck off!" to people, basically.

MR: What about that hairstyle?

AM: Well, unfortunately, Paul Humphries does now deeply regret his mid-eighties mullet. I don't deeply regret my short back and sides with my massive back-combed top that came cascading down, I just wish I had enough hair to recreate it now. [laughs] We consciously decided we wanted to go and see what we could unearth, so we asked the record company to go dig out all of the multi track tapes. They baked them and sent them to us and we found a track called "All Or Nothing" that we don't even remember recording. That is on disc two. There's a really early version of "Tesla Girls" there which is literally just, "Okay, I want to write a song called Nikola Tesla, we're going to use the samples of no, no, no and this xyz xyz," we were just loading stuff in using samplers and computers and trying shit out. We could have put an entire disc together of just versions of "Tesla Girls" as it mutated from a very simple nursery rhyme melody with bits of samples to a completed actual song. It's been quite fascinating to actually look back through our sketchbook. For the really die-hard fans, we could've made a full CD album that literally was the artists' sketchbook, where you get the finished version and all of the sketches. That's the way it goes, you know?

MR: Still, there's a lot on this package. What is your thought about that whole period of music?

AM: I'll be honest with you, I think that the mid-eighties was, as I've already described it, a tipping point. As it happened in the decade before and the decade before that, it seems that the decade starts with a purity and a youthful, naïve angst where a new generation is pushing forward and breaking the boundaries and then it tends to lose its way and gets a little bit bloated and all the followers come in and jump on the bandwagon and you get all these bands that just want to sound like electropop because that's in the charts but they don't have anything to say, they're not trying anything new, but even the bands who were doing it themselves get a little bit verbose and lost and we were one of those bands, I admit it. Americans hate when we say this because our two biggest-selling albums in America were the two that followed Junk Culture, and they sold well in America because we were touring there and doing TV and radio, selling our souls to the music industry devil. We whored ourselves around America.

Unfortunately, some of the songs on the album are not good enough. It's as simple as that. We would do nine months touring, we'd go home and the record company would say, "Can you give us another album for Christmas?" and we were like, "So, write another album in two months?" You would go into a well for ideas and it was empty. I apologize to Americans if I'm dissing their favorite OMD albums but after Junk Culture we weren't as good as we had previously been and it's taken us twenty five years to get back to having the clarity of vision that we had in those days. I have to share with you before we go, we have just experienced the most amazing weekend we've had in a considerable amount of time. Four years ago, we played in the city of Dresden for the first time. We know about our military history, we've always been fascinated in a horrified way about what people will do in war. We wrote "Enola Gay" and "Bunker Soldiers," et cetera. We wrote a song about Dresden, and the people of Dresden invited us to come and play at their peace prize ceremony on the seventieth anniversary of the bombing of their city. It was a great honor, but somewhat intimidating for these musicians to be in with all of the royalty and religious and political leaders who were commemorating and reconciliating. And yet actually our humble presentation and my speech, which started by saying, "We come from Liverpool, The Beatles were born in the second world war and yet they went to Hamburg, a city that we fire bombed, to learn how to be a rock band. We come from Liverpool, but The Beatles didn't influence us, we took our influence from Kraftwerk, in Düsseldorf. Isn't it beautiful that just a few years after our fathers were trying to kill each other, the new generation who haven't grown up in fear and pain were actually inspired musically by each other?"

We were honored to be there. We had possibly the most surreal experience in our lives, we played in the Semperoper in Dresden, which had been bombed, to a full house of people who accepted our songs. We played Enola Gay, with the bombing of Hiroshima behind us. It was moving. It was amazing. As I said in my speech, "We can't change the world. We can mirror the changes, and we can celebrate the sense of joy and hope." The surreal icing on the cake was the recipient of the Dresden peace prize this year was the Queen's cousin, the Duke of Kent, who has done a lot in reconciliation between England and Germany. To see him, the seventy-nine-year-old Duke of Kent standing and clapping along to one of our pop songs and the Bishop of Coventry and the Archbishop of Canterbury dancing to OMD was one of the most surreal highlights of my crazy life.

MR: I think when "Enola Gay" came out, it motivated young people to look further into its history and get a little more educated about those events.

AM: Thank you! We hoped it would. "Enola Gay" sold five-million copies. It did open peoples' eyes. A lot of people said, "What's the song about? Oh really? Wow!" Over the weekend we talked with these political and religious leaders about Enola Gay and about Dresden and I said, "Okay, do you want my opinion?" The bombing of Dresden and the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki? People have a million theories about it, but do you know why it happened? They were the first acts of the cold war. If you think about that, it makes sense. It's incredible that we have been gifted the opportunity to write songs about things that move us. We hope that if we sugar the medicine--and people do complain that sometimes we over sugar the medicine, "How can you write a song about Enola Gay with such a cheesy melody?" I'm coating the pill. It works. We get to people. It's taken us thirty years, but we seem to be getting there.

Transcribed by Galen Hawthorne

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MICHAEL DES BARRES BRINGS THE KEY TO THE UNIVERSE EXCLUSIVE

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photo credit: Jeff Fasano

According to the Michael Des Barres camp...

The British singer/songwriter/musician, actor will be releasing his new full-length album The Key To The Universe this April 7th on FOD Records. The album is a return to rock music with heavy guitars and lyrics about life lived to the fullest. Produced by Robert Rose (who's worked on albums by Julian Lennon, Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols and Des Barres' 1986 album Somebody Up There Likes Me), The Key To The Universe was recorded at Forum Music Village in Rome.

The album once more reunites Des Barres, with Nigel Harrison (former bassist of Blondie and Silverhead) on bass and guitar in addition to showcasing the talents of Clive Deamer (Portishead, Robert Plant) on drums and the ace Dani Robinson on guitar. The album's co-singles include the Linda Perry-penned "Can't Get You Off My Mind," and "I Want Love To Punch Me In The Face," co-written with Nigel Harrison (former bassist of Blondie and Silverhead), which arrive at radio on March 10th.

In conjunction with the release of new album The Key To The Universe, FOD Records and Michael Des Barres supplied an exclusive EPK during which the artist talks about his new album, influences and the path he's taken to get to this point.


mdb bleeped from Scott Peters on Vimeo.



For more information, visit http://michaeldesbarres.com.

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photo courtesy JT Carter

A Conversation with The Crests' JT Carter

Mike Ragogna: Your group is a very important part of history as the first racially integrated music group of the fifties. Tell me how the group came together.

JT Carter: Well, I'll tell you, it was pretty easy. we're from the lower east side of Manhattan, there's a street down there named Orchard Street, everybody knows it. That's the neighborhood that we come from. That neighborhood was definitely a melting pot for a lot of different races. Predominantly my friends are Jewish and Italian, I spoke a little Yiddish. It wasn't hard to meet other people and other races, we took that for granted. There was never anything strange about that. We all observed the high holy days and then when it came time for Christmas we did that. It was a great mix and that's how we all came together. All different, each one of us, but the same nonetheless.

MR: What was creatively getting together like at first?

JT: The first time I heard the other guys that would be The Crests, Johnny Maestro was not there. One guy in the group, Talmoudge Gough, he was related to Marvin Gaye, he could really sing. He sounded like a singer named Clyde McPhatter, high tenor beautiful voice, he used to always try to get me to come sing with the guys, but I wasn't that interested, I was more interested in sports and lifting weights and hanging out with my Italian friends down by the monkey bars, climbing up on roofs and swinging like Tarzan. That was my interest, I wasn't really interested in music. But then I heard Nat King Cole, I heard Ella Fitzgerald, and when I saw the guys singing one day they came over to me and said, "Come on, we need a note." I didn't like the sound of the music because those guys didn't know harmony and I'd always taken it for granted.

Harmony was the easiest thing to me. I could harmonize with any note. They finally came over and persuaded me to sing and the group started sounding better. We used to meet in the school bathroom, and the group started sounding a little better, then the girls started chasing so we knew it sounded good. Then at some point Patricia Vandross, Luther Vandross' sister, Talmoudge Gough, Harold Torres--Puerto Rican, beautiful guy, looked like Sal Mineo--and myself, they heard Johnny Maestro singing with a group of all Italian guys and they said, "You should really pair up with this guy." This one older gentleman who had more knowledge about music, he brought Johnny down to meet us. We met in the hallway and from the beginning the harmony sounded good, Johnny liked it, and we got together.

MR: How did you choose your material?

JT: There wasn't a whole lot of material to sing, because during the time we started there was harmony, but there wasn't a group on every corner. The songs that you sang harmony with, especially if you couldn't hear harmony that well, were a little limited. That's why these guys made up their own songs, they made up the simple progressions, we mostly chose it from the stuff we wrote.

MR: How did you get discovered?

JT: We were singing on the subway. We used to jump the turnstile because we had no money and we'd go from station to station singing and people would throw money at us and underwear and stuff. The people got to like us and when they saw this group of different people--to us we were all the same, but to them we were different races and everything, it was like the rainbow. A woman walked up to us and said, "My husband's a bandleader," his name was Al Brown, he was a well-known bandleader in Brooklyn, out there ahead of that Eastern Parkway area. He played weddings, he played all that stuff. He heard us and he said, "Man, I like you guys." He took us and brought us into his studio to start recording.

MR: Do you remember the very first song you recorded?

JT: Oh God. The first song that we ever did that I can remember--and I don't know why I remember this song--was "Red Sails In The Sunset."

MR: I think Nat King Cole recorded it pre-Doo-Wop.

JT: Yeah, and the Platters did it, too. I think I heard Louis Armstrong and a few others do it, too. That song to us was beautiful. We liked the sound of it, Johnny's voice sounded well and I could put all the harmonies together. It was a difficult song to do, but I fought with the guys and the harmony came together.

MR: "Sweetest One" was your first charting single. Do you remember making that record and what it was like?

JT: We didn't even believe we were going into a recording session. During that time a recording session was not a recording session like we know it now. This guy owned a comic book store and it was in the back room of his thing. All the studios we'd ever seen were like down in studios in the basement or back in the back and there'd be cobwebs hanging all around. That was how we got with him. After we recorded "Sweetest One" and the other side, which is "My Juanita," which was the side we really wanted to go because it had a nice feeling to it. [hums bass line]

MR: And eventually came "Sixteen Candles."

JT: Yeah We also did a thing called "Pretty Little Angel." It's a song where everybody is singing the whole thing all the way through. Our writers could only think of angels. They liked them.

MR: How did "Sixteen Candles" come about?

JT: It was really a nightmare. At the time, as you were recording everything was done straight away. That meant you didn't get a chance to go back and overdub, you didn't get a chance to go back and fix nothing, it was a straightaway session. That meant that every musician on board had to play the song all the way through from beginning to end. It was a nightmare because we had twenty eight takes. The musicians hated us. But the other side of sixteen candles was "Beside You." That was supposed to be the big hit. Then some smart alek disc jockey turned it over and said, "Oh, 'Sixteen Candles,' I like that better." We were trapped. The B-side turned out to be the A-side.

MR: That happened to a lot of groups at the time.

JT: Yeah, especially because disk jockeys wanted to be unique, they wanted to have their own style. They figured if they flipped things over it worked. They would flip things over and gain their popularity because they would play a lot of the B-sides.

MR: Thank God for B-sides!

JT: Yeah, that was where the best stuff was hiding! Outta sight.

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MR: So "Sixteen Candles" becomes the hit. How did the group react? How did you celebrate?

JT: I'll tell you, we were shocked out of our minds, of course. Our group would go up against other groups, we'd go to other neighborhoods and they wouldn't beat us up because we sounded good. Things would happen very well for us. Plus we were very unique in our look and our sound. Wherever we went the gangs wouldn't attack us, the girls were after us, we were almost popular before we were popular. The hit was a followup to the notoriety we had gained. We didn't know what we were doing, we were just doing what we thought everybody else was doing. We didn't recognize it as being anything special. People liked us very much from the very beginning.

MR: And you guys were like heroes of your neighborhood?

JT: Yes we were! We carried the banner for the neighborhood. If you were anybody else beside us and came out and they said, "Where are they from? Oh, they're from DeLancey street," you'd get beaten up right away.

MR: What was the scene like growing up in New York in those days?

JT: It was like being raised by the yentas. You know what they are, right? My mother was the head of the yentas. She'd sit on the soda crates in the summer time almost all night long listening to us playing stickball and singing, we were all friends, we didn't know there was a difference between us at all, we loved each other, we sang together, we played together, we looked out for each other, it was a heaven sent childhood.

MR: What are some of the band's performance highlights?

JT: Oh yeah, we did all of that. We were there the day Hawaii became a state, we were there with the presidents, we were there with kings, we did Vegas, we did all of the large Dick Clark tours where he'd have twenty one groups on one show, all that stuff, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Connie Francis, Ritchie Valens, Sam Cook, Johnny Mathis, Sugar Ray Robinson, Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers, all these people became my friends. The Coasters, The Cadillacs, The Drifters... I was in The Drifters at one point, too. Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers were the most important. If you weren't there, you probably didn't know this: The Teenagers were what every group wanted to be. We listened to them and we took their lead because they came on earlier. Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers and The Flamingos were the most important thing that ever happened to rock 'n' roll because they're the ones we all copied. All of us.

MR: And I imagine more cues were taken from The Inkspots and later vocal groups?

JT: Oh yeah, The Inkspots, The Clovers, The Harptones, we all got that harmony from the barbershop quartets and they mixed it in with a little bit of rockabilly, a little bit of soul music, gospel music, it all came together.

MR: Then John Hughes comes along in 1984 and makes Sixteen Candles, one of his many coming-of age movies. The Stray Cats re-recorded "Sixteen Candles" for it, what did you think of their rendition?

JT: I thought it was terrible! [laughs] This is what I'm trying to say: They didn't know the goal that they really had. I really don't believe that the people on top knew how good what they had was. Being Americans, like Americans can be, first, they love it and then they hate it. The money was the most important thing to them, but they could've made so much more money keeping us intact. Instead of that they played us down and let the British Invasion start. The Beatles were backed by a country, we were back by nobody. We had to look out to get a hit.

MR: There are so many hits and classics from that era, but nobody remembers they were all on small labels. When they hit it was like wildfire.

JT: Yes it was. It came out of nowhere. No one knew it and no one recognized that it would still be there. In some places it is as popular right now as it ever was.

MR: Kids now are learning how to harmonize from acts who learned from acts who learned from you guys.

JT: And I'll tell you, some of them are quite good at it, too. Their fathers and their fathers' fathers were singing that music. It's just like "In The Still Of The Night." When that came back, I understand that [writer] Fred Parris picked up like five or six-millions dollars. What I wanted to say is that music is coming back around. It may not be quite as simple as it was, but they've done everything else they can do. The only smart thing to do is go back and take some of this music and do it again. Bring back that flavor. That's the only way they can go at this point.

MR: You guys lived for the music. It was bigger for you than the money, right?

JT: Yes it was, it was a lot bigger than the money. The money will never amount up to what that is.

MR: You've gotten so many great awards, too. You got the award in Pennsylvania, you got an award for being the first African-American to form an inter-racial group.

JT: I had them all singing "My Girl."

MR: What a great moment.

JT: When people look at somebody like me, they see somebody who's been there. I started singing in 1947 and I'm still doing splits and turns and things like that, they look at me like either I'm crazy or I'm going to die before the show is over. It's really entertaining to me, I get more of a kick out of it than they do.

MR: JT, what's going on with your American Classics: Stars, Music & Cars project?

JT: When I was a little kid my father used to get in the old Cadillac on the weekends and we'd go and see Grandma out in the country and take road trips to visit other relatives in Connecticut. Families were families at that time, and the thing that brought them together as far as I'm concerned, was the automobile. If you were climbing on a horse or jumping in a wagon that would be a different thing, but you're getting into this big Cadillac, the whole family, and you take this trip out. That was very important in the American style of life. As the cars changed the music changed and you could look at the car and identify how things were. The clothes changed and the music changed and the artists changed and the cars changed, if you just look at history you can see the changes in everything. It all goes together.

MR: It's true. Are you having a good time still?

JT: I'll tell you like this: I have never not had a good time. When I had the wherewithal, I gave a lot to kids, I stood in at The Metropolitan Opera, I've done things that other people have it, and I'm not finished yet. I still have some good times to come.

MR: What advice do you have for new or emerging artists?

JT: Well, to be emerging you have to be pretty smart. I would say study a little law. If they intend to do anything about it, take a short course in business law and learn what the rules are. At this time we were not fortunate enough, all the rules hadn't been written pertaining to show business, so the reason why we didn't get a lot was because we didn't know anything. All the laws hadn't been written. Show business had always been emerging, but show business was a small little nothing business at that time. It got to be where people could have a billion dollars, but that didn't happen when we were around. A billion dollars could've probably paid everybody from the fifties, sixties and seventies. Now one person can have that. I would say the best thing to do is be wise enough, stay in school, get a lawyer, if you can't afford it, study some law. Know what you're stepping into.



MR: Nicely said, JT. You must be very proud of having one of the greatest hits of the fifties.

JT: And we also had the greatest lead singer, I want you to know that. I can sing, but there's nobody I've ever met in my life that could ousting Johnny Maestro. He's the best there ever was, I know there are people out there who want to portray him, but you will never see a person who could stand up to Johnny Maestro.

MR: Now since "Sixteen Candles" was one of the biggest hits of the era, that should have opened the door for you in a huge way. But that's not how it went. What happened after that?

JT: Let me tell you, it comes down to the ripoff. We had a lot of really good records, and had the record company pushed them they would've gone all the way. The people who were managing us didn't really expect this thing to last. They didn't expect it to go on and on forever, so what they did was they disbanded us. They didn't want to pay us, so they caused dissent in the group and tried to act like we weren't who we were just to part us.

MR: When Johnny went off to do his own thing, how did you feel about that period?

JT: I hated it. I hated it worse than anything else. I had chosen my place, this was it with me. I'm not saying I was a better lead singer than Johnny but there was some things I used to sing that gave Johnny goosebumps. When it came down to it they wanted to rob us so they parted us. Johnny didn't get almost anything. I wound up getting some money, they buttered me up a little bit just to keep my quiet. I thought it was silly that he left because we already had a head start. Johnny chose The Brooklyn Bridge and they took him away from us so that they didn't have to pay up any royalties. I just thought it was ugly, I thought it was evil. I want you to know that Johnny did come back and get me, I re-recorded "The Worst That Could Happen" with them and I did some stuff with The Brooklyn Bridge, too. They used to call me to do sessions, they used to call me to do shows, but Johnny already had his course set.

Inside, Johnny always wanted to be a soloist. He just didn't have enough pop to really, really be out there on his own. He probably should've sacrificed everything and made sure that they recognized him, but they never recognized him as a solo artist. He was disheartened by that. We had enough hits that if we'd kept going with The Crests we would've been the most popular thing around ever. We had seven or eight hits. If he'd taken what he did with The Brooklyn Bridge and put that together with what we did with The Crests we probably would've been one of the most sought after groups of that era.

MR: What do think The Crests contributed to music and pop culture?

JT: As far as I'm concerned we were the rainbow. We were the door openers. They saw us as being different, but we never were different. We were always more the same than anything. People didn't understand it, they thought we'd be arguing and fighting over this and that, but we were the best of friends. We loved each other. We showed the world that things that appear to be different aren't necessarily that way at all and what looks to be different could be the same internally. That's what we were. When Johnny left the group I got a deal with Decca Records. Did you know that?

MR: Yes, I was over there. I saw your master recordings.

JT: Jerry Moss was with us, you know. He was our guy. He got with Herb Alpert and they did their thing, but he was our road manager at first. He was almost our valet. He used to take us on the road and drive the car and bring us ham sandwiches and all that stuff.

MR: Are you still in touch with him?

JT: No, I talk more to Larry Klein from Dick Clark productions. They're going to be part of this thing we're going to do with ...Cars, Music & Stars.

MR: You also will be getting a little gift from The Lee High Valley Music Awards.

JT: Yep! I was awarded the lifetime achievement award and I'm going to be there with them this year. It's their sixteenth year, so I'm singing "Sixteen Candles" for the awards. It's going to be great, I hope we can get Chubby there and a couple of other people.

MR: I hope the crowds are as big for you there as they were at Cousin Bruce's First Annual Pallisades Park Reunion!

JT: There won't quite be the space for that! [laughs] Geography has a lot to do with it. We're in Pennsylvania, if we were closer to New York, we could pull in more people like Cousin Brucie.

MR: What's next?

JT: We wrote a play, there's a bunch of things I want to do. They talk about the Jersey Boys, I love The Jersey Boys, they got it all beautiful, no problem, but the guy to be admired, really, as I saw it in the very beginning was "The Boy From New York City."

MR: Ah, The Ad Libs!

JT: The guys from New York always had it a little over the guys from New Jersey. You lived in New York, you were on the subway, the clothes were better, the girls would come from New Jersey to see us. That's what my play's going to be about. The New York guys.

MR: So there was a big rivalry there?

JT: Oh, definitely. There was a borderline. You had to come across the border. The good thing about New York was the clubs stayed open until four o'clock in the morning. They shut down at one in New Jersey! The girls from New Jersey married guys from New York. It wasn't a rivalry, they just wanted to be us. You could stand on Broadway and watch John Wayne walk down the street, or Muhammad Ali. You can still do it!

MR: I don't want to keep you much longer, but I want to end with a completely ridiculous question: Any words of wisdom?

JT: I can't even spell that word. [laughs] I would really, really highly advise people to keep their kids in tune with some of our music. The reason I say that, the way the culture is now, you're singing about making love. In our culture it was about being in love. That's a completely different thing. You're thinking about doing it, we're thinking about being in love and having a family. It's about people being together. If people can let their kids know that, they'll research it and Google it and find that the world wasn't made just for them, it started a long time ago and people used to not fight and hate and kill each other like they're doing now.

MR: That's beautiful.

JT: So you remember that. It's being in love, not making love.

Transcribed by Galen Hawthorne

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GLOOM BALOON'S "PRETTIEST GIRL" EXCLUSIVE

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photo credit: Christopher Ford

According to Gloom Baloon's Patrick Tape Fleming...

"Every song I have ever wrote, I hoped would be the 'Prettiest Song,' that people had ever heard. But soon you realize that even if you could write the Prettiest Song ever, most people would not give two sh*ts! The video shows that. That's what this Gloom Balloon release is, it's the songs that I didn't think were worth two sh*ts. But Every time you write a song, you hope the best for it. And you love it with all your heart  So you throw it into the pool and hope it can swim with the rest of the songs out there in the world. Some of the songs arms and legs are not strong enough to survive and they drowned. These are the songs that couldn't swim with the rest of them, so they are presented here as dead artifacts that once were loved--The Songs That Couldn't Swim."




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As the question and song title go, "So You Wanna Be A Rock And Roll Star?" Well, though it's a little late for Valentine's Day, ahem, here is a partial immersion with relationship councilor Todd Valentine that might help you in the self-confidence arena.

A Conversation with Todd Valentine

Mike Ragogna: Hey Todd, what is this "Total Immersion Training Program? And what are the mastermind group boot camps?

Todd Valentine: After years of teaching guys to be good with girls, it became obvious that simply teaching a few techniques was less effective than making fundamental changes in people's outlooks and lifestyles. I always wanted to have the kind of time with clients to work with them more deeply and work with them on things like their health, their money, their style, as well as, of course, their game. The Immersion program allows us to do that. Basically, dozens of guys live with me and my staff, and we coach them on an ongoing basis. We also just hang out and have an amazing time. And we bring in outside coaches, like an improv comedy coach and a personal trainer, to round out the package.

The mastermind aspect of the program exists because many of our long-term alumni, as well as our staff, come to the Immersion program. And most people credit a lot of their growth and learning to being around those people on an ongoing basis. When you're in an environment where everyone is trying to improve themselves, it very easily becomes a habit. And actually, many people in the program have gone on to do business or life ventures together as a result.

MR: What first got you interested in assisting with relationships? Do you have any formal training? What's your background in this field?

TV: As much as I would like to appear like I'm an altruistic angel, I have to admit that my early interest in this field came from the fact that I liked girls and I wanted a better dating life for myself. So, at the start, coaching was a way for me to practice more and learn faster. However, over the last twelve years of working with clients, I've found their growth and change to be deeply rewarding, and I've been consistently amazed at what is possible with the right encouragement and information.

TV: I don't have a degree or formal training in this area (what would be formal training, anyway?), but I do have fifteen years of experience trying anything and everything, and twelve years of coaching and seeing what the best ways are to motivate positive change in others.

MR: Your program has an international dating community of something north of 47,000 participants in 70 countries. How did the word spread about the program, through a huge marketing campaign or word of mouth? Maybe both?

TV: It's been mostly word of mouth. Believe it or not, as early as 2000, there were Internet forums in which people were discussing ideas for how to meet women. And our ideas emerged as the ones that were most liked and most effective, so people started soliciting us to teach. Since then, our reputation has only grown. We do market extensively, though, especially through YouTube, and we've also been cited as experts in bestselling dating products, as well as featured in a bestselling book.

TV: How does your approach to relationship building differ from other existing programs?

MR: I believe that the way to have the best relationship is to start off as a great person, rather than focusing on techniques or "moves" you can do. Many dating companies market how to find "the one" and get that one girl to like you. But in my experience, that doesn't work. The key is to be the kind of man who's good with women in general and who has enough confidence in his ability not to obsess about one interaction with one girl. So when he talks to women, he's confident and shows his true personality, which enables him to get the girl he really wants. Obviously, though, we do teach a lot of techniques as well.

MR: What are a couple of your favorite success stories?

TV: Last year we had a thirty-nine-year-old virgin in the Immersion program, and he ended up losing his virginity while he was with us. The fact that he lost his virginity on our program was great, but what was actually more important and more gratifying was the growth in his confidence during the few months he stayed with us. Another example is a student I had whose father first bought him a seat at one of our programs when the kid was fifteen. His dad wanted his son to have more confidence and be resistant to peer pressure. At eighteen, because he liked the results, the father bought another program for him. Then, at age twenty-one, the son bought a program for himself. He went from being a shy, unconfident kid to being the kind of person who has it all together. I don't usually get to see someone grow over a period of years, and it was great to witness the long-term influence of our ideas.

But my best success story would be myself. From age eighteen until now, through studying social dynamics and putting myself through the rigors of constantly striving, I've grown from a very shy, awkward teenager to someone who I'm very proud to be.

MR: I imagine you're not batting 1000 since there's the human factor, so what have you found is the main problem when arrangements don't work?

TV: As I became more confident and better with women, attracting girls was no longer the issue, but life does tend to get in the way. Girls have friends, jobs (and occasionally boyfriends and husbands), and my travel schedule is not conducive to dating a lot of the girls I meet, so I have to resign myself to occasionally just having adventures that don't always end up as something more. Also, no matter how good you are at attracting women, there are some whose company you just won't enjoy--and vice versa. That said, I'm certainly not complaining about the relationships I have had.

MR: Not to put you on the spot, but what is your own relationship history like and how did it play into the design of the programs? Tell us a little about what sparked the ideas for ValentineLife.com, 3GirlsADay and Valentine University as well.

TV: My relationship history has been unique and quite good, to say the least. I've dated amazing women, multiple women at the same time, and even girls who would pick up girls with me, but that wasn't always the case. When I was nineteen, I was a virgin who had never had a girlfriend and had only been kissed once. And, maybe worse, I didn't understand how girls thought or how relationships worked. Whenever I create a product, I try to create something I would have wanted during that learning process, whether it is general life advice, online dating techniques, or ongoing coaching.

MR: Since life coaching and motivational speaking workshops seem to have peaked (at least visibly in the culture), how do you get over the challenge of you and your various programs being stereotyped?

TV: Not all life coaches are created equal. And fortunately, not all life-coaching clients are created equal. People want someone they can relate to and admire. So while Oprah will probably always crush me in the middle-age housewives market, I have a leg up with twenty-something guys and recent divorcees. Just as with game, it's not about having everybody like you. It's about having some people buy into you enough and actually take action with what you're teaching.

MR: You have videos, books, etc. How do you envision your relationship and confidence building programs growing over the next few years and is there an ultimate, personal goal for you?

TV: The goal is to spread my message and teach as many people as possible without diluting that message. I think what people respect about the way I teach is that there is verifiable proof of my successes in the real world, and I don't teach conjecture--I teach experimentally proven truth. For some people, that's all too hardcore, but because what I teach is verifiable, my fans really buy in. So I'm not just able to sell them a product or show them a video, I'm actually able to get them to make positive, lasting changes in their lives.

MR: What is some simple advice for someone who hasn't been successful with relationships or who has low self-confidence beyond, of course, taking your workshops and seminars?

TV: First, take action. The single biggest reason for not having a dating life is a lack of interactions with women. So leave the house and talk to a girl, or put a profile up online. Do something! Second, though, and this is related to not taking action: get rid of your ego. Most guys don't make a move or are nervous because they view their success with women as a reflection on themselves. It's not; it's a set of skills, and you aren't supposed to be naturally good with women. You had to fall to learn to walk. You have to get rejected to get good with girls.

MR: Todd, how fortunate your last name is "Valentine" and you're involved with relationship programs. Would one be right in assuming your last name might be a teensy bit different?

TV: Wow, I guess I am lucky! [laughs] But seriously, because my real last name gets spelled wrong so often, I didn't think it was very good for marketing; the US government has accidentally given me two extra legal names through typos. Valentine is more memorable--and spell-able--and it allows more people to easily find me and get to work on their lives.

Time King Champions Musicianship With Lively Lead Single "Take Cover"

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The first time I heard Time King was at a show. I had just made my LIRR train, exhausted after a full work week yet trying to get in gig mode. Playing in Long Island puts you in the same giant boat with everyone from patriarchs Billy Joel and Public Enemy to mid-aughts revivalists Brand New and Taking Back Sunday - it's not illogical to consider "The Island" its own musical state, separate from the bustling city and its boroughs. So there I was in Amityville, and the sound coming off the stage was intricate, charismatic, dynamic and in a few time signatures that I wasn't quite putting together. In short, Time King immediately impresses. I had to get in gig mode quick.

They happen to sound just as good on their self-produced debut LP Suprœ, due out next month. The band (singer Kalvin Rodriguez, guitarists Brandon Dove and Shayne Plunkett, drummer Matthew Nazario and bassist/engineer/mixer James Meslin) has released a live version of lead single "Take Cover" as a good Time King primer:



The lineage of Islanders past is surely there: the instrumental and vocal acrobatics call to mind Lucy Gray-era Envy on the Coast and a healthy dose of Glassjaw's Daryl Palumbo; the band's fluidity, however, is more reminiscent of Circa Survive jamming with Animals as Leaders - the odd time feels mostly natural and never forced. Although this high energy prog-indie was popular a decade ago with bands like Seattle's Gatsbys American Dream and Boston's The Receiving End of Sirens, smiles abound in the above video and it's obvious that these guys are having fun making tunes for the muso set.

The quintet certainly packs a lot of ideas into each song on Suprœ, and while the songwriting sometimes gets buried under technical prowess, this music isn't necessarily concerned with the omnipotent Hook so coveted in today's marketplace. The band instead takes a similar approach to progressive metal maestros Periphery, whose guitarist Mark Holcomb recently told Rolling Stone, "Our listeners are going to notice our mistakes... they're music nerds. We have to play every show like it's a freaking recital. I had hoped to get up there and play three chords and pay only half attention to what we're doing, but we really can't anymore."

For every audience member waiting to air drum on the downbeat after the measure of 5/4 after the preceding measure of 3/4, or trade power chords for something jazzier, Time King is your band. Catch them March 14th in Brooklyn, or if you want to go full circle, the 21st in Amityville.

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Don't Rain on Her Parade: Kimberly Faye Greenberg Brings Fanny Brice to Fabulous Life

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Kimberly Faye Greenberg in character as Fanny Brice; photo credit: Jessica Fallon Gordon


"You are born whoever you are," says Kimberly Faye Greenberg, "And I'm a broad."

The actress and singer is speaking these words onstage at 54 Below as part of Fabulous Fanny, a solo show featuring Greenberg as iconic comedienne Fanny Brice, but it turns out they are just as representative of the artist as of her subject. Offstage, Kimberly and I bond over our shared obsession for the 1920s, and instantly I know -- this gal's going to be fun.

Greenberg is the first actress ever to star in two Off-Broadway musicals at the same time, having spent nearly a year zipping back and forth between the roles of Brice in an earlier solo piece, One Night with Fanny Brice, and composer Sylvia Fine in Danny and Sylvia: The Danny Kaye Musical. It seems Kimberly was destined to play bold, brassy, determined ladies of the twentieth century - -women who defied the odds of class, ethnicity and appearance to get exactly where they wanted to go.

Most of us are encouraged to "think outside the box," but Greenberg's found her greatest successes from diving headfirst into her theatrical niche of historical ladies. Her affinity for Brice began in high school with Funny Girl, the musical based on the star's tumultuous romance with criminal Nick Arnstein, when a teacher informed Kimberly that she resembled Brice and should study to play her part in the show. Though she still has yet to work on Funny Girl, Greenberg became a dedicated student of all things Fanny, researching the performer's life for years before Chip Deffaa, the writer of One Night..., approached her with his script.

When I do something I become engrossed in it, so I started learning everything about Fanny. Funny Girl was the big instigator, but then the universe sort of conspired, because I ended up playing Sylvia Fine -- not the same person really, but of a similar build and character, and then [Deffaa] saw me in that and asked me, 'Will you workshop my Fanny Brice show?' Fanny just kept coming back to me threefold; she was shining down and the world opened up.


Watching Kimberly cavort around the stage in Fabulous Fanny, you do get the sense of being thrust back in time. She is as nimble and rubber-faced as Brice in her prime, executing a montage of physical numbers like "Sadie Salome" and "I'm an Indian" with gleeful ease and tossing off joke after joke. It's more than a cabaret in that Greenberg gives you a complete story arc to follow, radiating with such warm, homey intimacy that even newcomers to Brice's canon will leave feeling like experts.

54 Below provides a perfect venue for such a show; its speakeasy-like atmosphere contributes to the impression of having been transported to a 1920s supper club for an evening's entertainment by a famous chanteuse. In fact, until true time travel becomes possible, Kimberly's act is the closest modern audiences will ever come to seeing Fanny in person.

A true team effort, Fabulous Fanny is written by Greenberg with additional material by director Brian Childers, her former Danny and Sylvia costar, and a dedicated supporting team consisting of musical director/arranger Jeff Biering, choreographer Justin Boccitto (who also choreographed One Night...), and pianist Julianne B. Merrill. "For me collaboration is key," Greenberg notes. "We operate so well together that we've been able to create something completely new."

In other words, if you think Fabulous Fanny is just a rehash of One Night..., think again.

The Off-Broadway show was more like a Wikipedia of facts about Fanny's life. Completely legitimate thing, but when I created this show I really wanted it to be about her emotional journey. What you can take away from this show is, 'Look at Fanny's influence over the world as a whole.' She was the first torch singer, the first Jewish comedienne, the first anything and everything like her. People don't realize it, but her legacy still lives on in show business. We've still got homages to her.


It's this sensory focus on Brice that makes Fabulous Fanny a truly unique experience. The inclusion near the end of the show of a few songs from Funny Girl (and tracks on Greenberg's companion CD from Ghostlight, the Broadway-bound musical in which she also plays Fanny) drives home the idea that this is not merely "the best of Brice," but everyone's Brice, Fanny reimagined in a superb transformation as the gal pal we wish we had.

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Greenberg as Brice at 54 Below; photo credit: Samantha Mercado-Tudda


Something magical happens when an actor inhabits a historical figure as peerlessly as Kimberly does Fanny -- the undertaking creates a third character who exists between reality and fantasy, a person based not on what we recall from life or movies, but someone who lives fully in the short space built onstage for the hour or so we learn about her. In Fabulous Fanny the discoveries are as surprising as they are touching. I realize, for instance, just how much the indomitable Brice depended on and sacrificed for the influential men that surrounded her: Florenz Ziegfeld, Nick Arnstein, Billy Rose, Irving Berlin. The sequence of Fanny marking time through Arnstein's first marriage and incarceration ("I'd Rather Be Blue Over You Than Be Happy With Somebody Else") is deeply affecting, an accurate portrayal of the mixed emotions involved when the wait for true love runs torturously long.

But it's in performing Brice's signature tune, "My Man," that Greenberg hits her heartfelt crescendo (I espied most of 54 Below's audience tearing up). During this number Fanny's comic mask finally slips, revealing the intense pain she's had to endure despite her talent and energetic attitude. This, Kimberly admits, is her own favorite moment in the show: "It's the eleven o'clock number where everything shifts. It's a more honest Fanny versus the happy-go-lucky Fanny, which is not necessarily who she was."

Beyond this glimpse into a frank, unvarnished Brice, Greenberg's performance also enables her to connect with a deeper part of herself.

The weirdest thing about this show is that it made me realize who I am. I was always really shy, but now I'm not so afraid of things, and I think it's because of playing Fanny in a show where it's just me. Because of her and her chutzpah, I'm a better person.


And as Greenberg continues to move through her various historical women - she'll be portraying playwright Lillian Hellman, socialite Kathleen Kennedy and Marguerite Taylor (daughter of Laurette) in a series of plays from Beautiful Soup Theater this May -- she constantly unearths more treasures inside herself, proof that "knowing thy specialty" is both a professional and personal blessing.

"I always tell people, 'Don't worry about getting pigeonholed in something,'" Kimberly asserts. "As you find your niche, people appreciate more of what you've got to offer and it expands your scope of opportunity."

Of course there's plenty of opportunity still ahead for Kimberly Faye Greenberg thanks to her spirit guide Fanny, with Ghostlight in constant development, Fabulous Fanny set to tour, and her companion album of Brice songs newly released. No matter what other adventures arise (like Greenberg's recent appearance in Bookseller in the Rain, Tim Realbuto's star-studded concert tribute to Maury Yeston), Fanny survives them all.

"One of my friends works with a medium," says Greenberg, when I ask if she's ever tried to contact Brice spiritually. "And one day she said to me, 'I swear you were Fanny in a previous life.' Well, that would make perfect sense. I feel like I was just born to play her. Obviously we need each other."

Glancing around the joyful faces of the audience at 54 Below, I'd say that people who need people, especially when they're both strong, funny, and fabulous women, really are the luckiest people in the world. How very lucky for us.

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You can learn more about Kimberly Faye Greenberg here, and preview her Fabulous Fanny album here.

The Bachelor Recapped By Someone Who Still Wants To Know If Britt Showers

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We open in Bali because why the F not.  We see Chris in a few outfits consisting of differently colored pastel shirts, at least four different hues, coupled with either shorts or khakis.  No, five different pastels.  Count them if you don't believe me. Kaitlyn joins him, wearing extremely short pink shorts that just turned me into a lesbian for a minute.

Chris and Kaitlyn have the most boring date possible in someplace like Bali.  Chris says how important it is for his future wife to be able to talk to random people.  This does seem to be a theme he returns to, over and over.  So we know he likes his women hot and social.  Pretty original.

Chris encounters some monkeys that steal his banana and pee on him, enraged that he is the star of a reality show and about to bang Kaitlyn when they, with higher IQ's, are relegated to walk around without pastel shirts, stealing food and banging other monkeys.

Chris and Kaitlyn make out.  Then they try to talk, which doesn't go as smoothly as the making out, since it involves more of Chris's forebrain and less of his mammalian brain stem.  Kaitlyn talks about needing to talk about her deep feelings with Chris and all the viewers cringe.

Kaitlyn and Chris descend into a romantic, candle-lined nest of romance.  Kaitlyn is scared to tell Chris she loves him.  Chris understands, because he has been scared of things too, like standardized tests.  And women who don't speak in cliches.  Kaitlyn doesn't remember the last time she felt like this.  Because she has never felt like this because it's an artificial and contrived situation that is so dramatic and hormone-inducing that it could make a woman fall in love with an an emperor penguin.  I mean because this is Real Love.

Now we have the Fantasy Suite invitation, and get off those tenterhooks folks, because she agrees to go. They do a tour or the site and we see their premarital sex bed.  Kaitlyn finally spits out that she's completely falling in love with Chris and he says he's falling in love with her too, which I thought was against the rules in previous seasons.  And now they have intercourse.  Cut to commercial.

Now we see Chris in yet another color of pastel shirt, this time the shade of a ripe mango.  And just as quickly, he changes into a white shirt.  Maybe the mango shirt was a bit much, thought the producers.  He is standing by a yacht and Whitney jumps into his arms.  She's less hot than Kaitlyn but maybe she makes up for it by being even more hypersocial, since those are Chris's only two criteria for women.

"Bali is beautiful," says Chris creatively.  Whitney describes how awesome her life is now that she's going to get engaged to Chris, since she forgot there are two other contestants left, one of whom Chris just did the deed with, implicitly, in the Fantasy Suite.  Whitney discusses why her undermining sister sucks.  Chris says some platitudes and then he and Whitney frolic in the sea like less intelligent dolphins.

Whitney wears a chartreuse maxi dress, a phrase which sounds less attractive than "Whitney wears a decomposing hippopotamous corpse."  Chris talks about being worried that Whitney will ever wear that unflattering strapless bra again, I mean, will decide against leaving her nurse job to move to the middle of nowhere.  Chris talks about his isolated, farm-bound existence, where he only gets to talk to visiting merchants and the town crier.  Whitney says she would leave her career and not look back if she had the chance to marry Chris and have his babies, and feminism dies.

Chris says he could see himself with Whitney, now that she has assured him that her career is meaningless and a veritable place saver until she could fill up her uterus.  Whitney reads the Fantasy Suite invitation since Chris cannot read, and the two adjourn to have Chris's second round of Fantasy Sex in as many days.  I breathe a sigh of relief that Whitney's unappealing outfit will be off within the next few minutes.

Becca the virgin sees Chris, and the mango shirt is back!  Maybe it's a devirginating good luck charm.  Chris discusses being anxious that Becca might be bad in bed, I mean, has never been in love before.  Chris says "I love this kind of stuff" about the whole of Bali.  Me too, Chris.  Me too.  Becca says, "It would be devastating if my virginity was a dealbreaker for him."  Don't worry, Becca, I think Chris's  dealbreakers are careers, not hymens.

Chris and Becca tell each other that they miss each other.  I am counting the syllables of all their words and I have yet to hear one with two syllables.  Becca says, "Tonight's the make or break night," and no pun seems to be intended. Becca is anxious about telling Chris she's a virgin, probably because that's the biggest word either of them has used all day.

Chris and Becca talk and talk over dinner.  Again, the conversation turns to Arlington Iowa, as conversations are wont to do in romantic dinners across the world.  It's the Paris of Iowa.  Becca says she would move there, which I believe.  If you haven't even experienced a penis, why not foreclose your life early and also move to a ghost town?  Becca reads the Fantasy Suite invitation, which Chris can phonetically sound out by now since it's his third time having it read to him.  Which proves that you should read to your kids every night because eventually they will get it.

Becca says yes to the penis, or to the Fantasy Suite. She still hasn't told him that she's a virgin. Chris and Becca walk around the Fantasy Suite and he pretends he didn't just do this two other times.  Here we go, she's going to tell him!  She tells him she's falling in love with him but she has something important to share with him.  And it's her vagina.  She says, "I am a virgin."  Chris says nothing.  Then he sighs. This seems to be going better than the Playboy thing from last episode.  He says, "It's never easy to respond to that," which indicates that he's an experienced virgin handler.  The two pull the curtains closed and that's the only thing that remains closed, winky face.

Chris gazes out over the horizon wearing- holy mother of God- it's a collarless shirt!  Just when you think you have this man figured out, he changes the pastel linen shirts for a gosh darn T-shirt of all things.  As my mind boggles, Chris says something about not knowing who to eliminate and wanting to be a polygamist.  Chris cries in his confessional, because he really just loves women and wants to have a harem in his house and why is life so unfair?   Hold the phone, this wasn't just a T-shirt, it was a V-neck!  You man of mystery, you.

Okay, whew, Chris is back in a collared shirt, although it's in a sassy plaid pattern.  Chris Harrison comes in to prescribe a mood stabilizer, oh wait, he isn't an actual psychiatrist but just acts as one on this show.  Chris and Chris talk about "emotional turmoil" and it becomes impossible for me to focus. Chris says after his evening with Becca, he "can tell she's a passionate person," which is code for "handjob."  About Kaitlyn, Chris says he can see "her and I" doing something that doesn't involve acing a seventh grade English grammar test.

Rose ceremony.  Chris and Chris Harrison dress in all white because they are on sacred ground, and Chris is told not to make out with the women in the temple.  The women wear Balinese outfits and discuss how much they love Chris.  Chris asks to talk to Becca alone, and the other women are torn between jealousy and jealousy.  Becca tells him she's crazy about him and tries to get her "I love you" in under the wire.  Are those fake lashes?  She looks like a Barbie doll.  Virgin Barbie.  Real Barbie is a virgin too, but it doesn't count when you're made without genitals, since it's not a challenge.  Chris is waffling, is he going to eliminate her?  Is he going to keep her?  Is he going to have sex with her at the temple?

Back at the ceremony, Kaitlyn says she thinks Chris is saying goodbye to Becca.  So that foreshadows Becca's return and Chris taking all three to meet his family, like he alluded to wanting to do in the confessional where he cried.  You heard it here first- YES!  He's walking back with her.

Chris says he needed to collect his thoughts, which should have taken about 30 seconds.  Whoa, Kaitlyn is out!  I'm wrong.  But I'm right in that I originally said Kaitlyn was too smart for Chris.  She whispers, "What happened?" And Chris basically says nothing but a load of BS about making tough decisions.  Kaitlyn tries not to cry.  This is painful to watch.  Poor Kaitlyn.  Poor Chris.  WHY IS POLYGAMY ILLEGAL? O unjust universe that makes a man chooseth between three women who are equally adoring and nubile.

In the limo, Kaitlyn refers to this as "the most humiliating moment of her whole life," which seems to indicate that in the Fantasy Suite, Chris was singing a different tune, and the rug has been pulled out from under her.  Chris and his sacred cummerbund wander weepily around the periphery of the temple. Next time, it's the women tell all episode, and the Pseudo-Kardashian is back!  So is Britt!  And Kelsie!  And the following week, s%&* gets real on the tundra of wintertime Iowa.  Or maybe that's how it looks in the summer too.  Who would know?  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants The Monkey To Be The Next Bachelor.

For more, visit Dr. Rodman at Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, and on Twitter @DrPsychMom.

50 Thoughts on 50 Shades

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The room was dimly lit and packed full of moviegoers. People had lined up for hours to get a good seat for a movie that if not a cinematic genius would at least be entertaining. Seats were chosen wisely as the film was sure to be a bonding experience with whomever you were near. As the final preview came to an end the excited and nervous chatter quieted, the lights fell dark and the movie began.

Below are 50 thoughts I had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey.

1. I'm so ready for this!
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2. Have you read the book?
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3. How on earth are they going to do that scene?
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4. Oh yeah, perfect parking spot right in front.
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5. Because one beautiful receptionist isn't enough, Christian Grey needs three.
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6. No, she did not just fall down.
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7. Hmm, this doesn't paint a great image for reporters now does it.
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8. Why are we standing in the rain? Am I missing an overly sexual metaphor?
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9. She would work at a hardware store.
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10. Never thought hardware stores were sexy.
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11. Even his chauffer is hot.
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12. Umm is her phone real?
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13. How come when I make drunk phone calls someone as hot as Christian doesn't show up?
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14. Ok Christian is the official hot brother.
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15. Elevators...
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16. The guy sitting next to me looks awfully uncomfortable.
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17. Oh yeah first date in a helicopter ride, totally normal.
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18. I want Christian to put on every seatbelt I ever wear from this moment on.
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19. He's so serious about this.
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20. Anastasia signed that non disclosure agreement awfully fast.
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21. I'm scared this is about to take a turn.
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22. Is this about to get weird?
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23. Umm should Anastasia be more shocked at the toy room...because I'm concerned for her.
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24. What would you ever do with that one?
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25. She gets really turned on by his touch.
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26. I like bondage but safety first better put on a condom.
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27. Whoa someone is slacking in the shaving department.
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28. Wait his speech had nothing to do with graduation.
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29. Where do men learn to be this hot? Can we make this a mandatory course?
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30. Well that was a lot of skin.
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31. No don't question the man who some how got into your house undetected.
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32. Really? Butt plug is the one she doesn't understand? Pretty self explanatory if you ask me.
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33. Christian can braid pretty damn well.
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34. What is he going to do with-oh my god.
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35. Queen B on the track!
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36. Jamie Dornan was born to wear a suite.
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37. Costume change! Those jeans though.
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38. I feel like I need to look away but I just can't.
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39. Whoa he's crazy.
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40. Ok well that must have been awkward to film.
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41. Can't. Take. My eyes. Off. Him.
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42. Am I supposed to think they are cute?
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43. Ok not feeling this punishment scene.
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44. Please stop counting.
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45. She just happened to have her computer with her?
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46. Wait that's it?
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47. That is NOT the end is it?
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48. What a cliffhanger!
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49. Twilight fan fiction? Really?
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50. Ok when's the sequel coming out?
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'I Am Not My Hair': Zendaya's Response to Ignorant Comment

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"My wearing my hair in locks on an Oscar red carpet was to showcase them in a positive light, to remind people of color that our hair is good enough." -- Zendaya

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I loved the response that Zendaya gave to the ignorant comments offered my Giuliana Rancic in regards to her wearing her hair in locs on the red carpet. For those of you who missed it here are her words...

"smells like patchouli oil ... or maybe weed."


Those who have been following me on the blog, or other natural hair publications know that I am passionate about natural hair, simply put, because I grew up hating the hair I did not understand. I grew up with relaxers in my hair, because it was easier to maintain that way.

After becoming the mother to three extraordinary brown girls, I wanted to do a little more research on natural hair vs relaxed hair. The affects of these products on our health, and the benefits of learning to maintain my natural locs, for my daughters' sakes as well as my own. In trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle, and to teach my girls to love everything about themselves, including their hair, which society has taught us in many ways defines who we are, I have fallen in love with my own hair, and the process of learning how to maintain it.

Natural hair has been a topic for debate not only in the black community but beyond. From a woman of color being discharged from the Navy because she refused to cut her natural locks, to workplace conflict and even the inability to wear certaing hair styles for job interviews.

I was truly disappointed to see that a woman could go out of her way to say something so ignorant about another woman, especially one who has experienced body shaming, like Giuliana Rancic. I would hope that a woman who has been given a platform where she can speak her mind would want to use that platform to empower women not tear them down.

Natural Hair on the Red Carpet

Despite the ignorant view point of few among us, many celebrities rocked their natural do's at the Oscars this year, and they looked amazing. My favorite being the gorgeous Lupita Nyong'o, does she ever fail to impress?

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Image courtesy of bustle.com


The gorgeous Oscar winner rocked a cropped look, and had by far the best gown, in my opinion. She makes me want to take the plunge and skip and transition all together!

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Image courtesy of bustle.com


Bringing back the '70s and making us covet a classic look, Solange knew what she was doing when she stole the spotlight on the red carpet with this classic look.

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Image courtesy of bustle.com


My favorite TV Diva did what only she knows how to, and took control! Viola Davis looked stunning with another fabulous short look.

I am glad to see so many black celebrities representing the natural hair diva's at events like the Oscars. It goes to show, that although there will always be people who don't know better, hopefully it will help to shift the definition of beauty, in order to help young black girls understand that they do not have to accept the media's definition of beauty.

Originally Posted on Afro-Chic Mompreneur.
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What Neil Patrick Harris Can Teach About Career Reinvention

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It happened just as we all thought it would 20 years ago: Doogie Howser hosted the 87th Academy Awards. Ok, maybe we didn't think it would play out this way in 1994. So how did that child-genius whiz doctor become the host of Hollywood's big night? Reinvention. And even if you didn't get through med school by age 15 (in real life or on TV), you can reinvent yourself to reach new professional heights. Here are five-and-a-half lessons we can learn from Neil Patrick Harris (NPH):

1. Grow up with your career. Many child stars fizzle as they enter adulthood because their success lies in one specific skill: possessing an immense amount of cuteness. Once they grow up, their cuteness is, well, less cute. By taking on an array of fun roles from a lovable womanizer on How I Met Your Mother to a drag queen rock star on Hedwig & The Angry Inch on Broadway, NPH proved he is much more than just a child star. If your superiors only see you as a one-trick pony, consider taking on additional roles to demonstrate you're more of an NPH than a Corey Feldman.

2. Find a new audience to appreciate your work. After retiring Doogie, NPH took his talents to Broadway, where he was able to build a following from a whole new audience. Sometimes the key to professional growth is simply to find a new gig. Creating a fresh start in a new environment gives you the freedom to reimagine your personal brand without being held back by an employer that might lack the vision that you have for your professional growth.

3. Take your work seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously along the way. The reintroduction of NPH to pop culture came in a role that was mostly a joke. In the 2004 movie Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, NPH played a fictionalized version of himself as an over-the-top, sex-craved ego maniac. And with this one brilliant, self-deprecating role, he smashed the glass ceiling that so many child stars cannot break through.

4. Seize your opportunity. After the Harold & Kumar success, NPH was able to keep the momentum going by joining the cast of How I Met Your Mother the next year. If you have a professional achievement, take advantage of that momentum by informing your network of allies about your growth. If the old saying is true that good news comes in threes, why stop with one professional victory?

5. Don't let a slow period bring you down. NPH was nominated for a Golden Globe in 1992 and wasn't nominated for another significant television award for 15 years. So if you've been having a bad professional month, year, or even decade, hang in there, work hard, and above all, channel your inner NPH.

And five-and-a-half: Get yourself a Vinny. If you get off track, have your best friend come in through your bedroom window and give you blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth advice. It always worked for Doogie.

Jack Stahlmann is a corporate speaker and Huffington Post blogger. He can be reached at www.dontflinchguy.com

Witch Way

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The Beauchamp women wove a spell on fans of Witches of East End for two powerful and poignant seasons, but that magic was quickly dispelled when Lifetime cancelled the provocative program. Since the news of the cancellation fans have been massively rallying to try and get Lifetime to reconsider and allow these witchy women another chance at life. Petitions have been made and over 121,000 fans including bountiful celebrities have signed and made their voices heard that they don't want this magic to die out.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/renew-witches-of-east-end

Besides the incredible mass amount of signatures from fans, which has been a fantastic continued vehicle and draw for attention, fans launched many other campaigns, including one that they call Operation Grimoire, which has had multiple phases to it. These phases have included targeting networks like Netflix to get them to pick up the show. There are Facebook pages dedicated to renewing the show, and Witches of East End fans have even reached out to other fandoms targeting fan sites and hashtags to enlist help. They have also dedicated time and tweets to celebrities to get their attention and assist in spreading the word about the campaign, petition, and hope for renewal.

Witches of East End was a salacious and poignant show that centered around family, fantasy and mystical mayhem. Based on Melissa de la Cruz's New York Times best-selling novel, the show at heart in season one revolved around sisters Freya (Jenna Dewan Tatum) and Ingrid (Rachel Boston). The two witches discovered their abilities and were both guided and mentored by their mom Joanna (Julia Ormond) and their aunt Wendy (Mädchen Amick). The ladies learned how to cultivate their witchcraft and work together in order to defeat unearthly enemies who sought revenge on their family. Of course they had to do all of this while trying to juggle love lives that just seemed to never be able to balance out. This season was about coming together as a family. They did this while learning what their strengths and weakness were with each other and with witchcraft. The constant push and pull struggle to maintain their identity of who they thought they were, and who they actually were, played out like an eloquent and poignant dance on screen. They realized they were much more than they ever thought they could be both as a person and as a witch.

Season two was darker in storyline and cinematography. It focused on the portal to Asgard being open and the appearance of Frederick (Christian Cooke), Ingrid and Freya's suspicious brother with a clouded past. It also dealt with the fallout of season one's death of Virginia Madsen's character Penelope, and smoldering brothers Dash (Eric Winter) and Killian (Daniel DiTomasso) learning about their new warlock abilities and coping with the all consuming power and responsibility that comes with these powers. Joanna was still weak from poison in her blood as the ladies frantically search for a cure. Ultimately Frederick comes through with a cure which leads to him earning back his mother's trust.

What set this mystical masterpiece apart from others was the tight knit family surrounded by such gritty, thrilling drama. Nothing in the long lives that the Beauchamp women have lived was ever easy, but when you wield great power, great responsibility comes hand in hand. These female family members aren't pitting themselves against one another in some melodramatic way, they work together in love, caring, and spirit to show that family matters. This is family lifting up and being there for one another, no matter the century or scandal. Dewan Tatum and Boston had a sisterly bond that seemingly went beyond familial television ties. Partnered with Amick and Ormond, the ties that bind grew deeper in their roots and entangled themselves in a majestic and real portrayal of the messiness of family relationships. Even when something mystical is threatening, there is no letting go for the Beauchamp women. These ladies hold fast and strong together, independently and without the need of a man to be their saving grace and resolve.

The play and themes of darkness and light were like characters in themselves. Shadows and light were an incredible juxtaposition and metaphor for the struggles each character faced in season two. The constant pull of the dark side of magic and its consequences against the light and inherent good that we all store within us were a devilish dance the Beauchamp woman were constantly performing. Dash and Killian also faced their own demons that dealt with the all encompassing feeling of power, magic, and how it can turn a good heart black if not used with great precaution. With Dash being spurned by Freya in season one and his hatred for his brother, it seemed he fell easy victim to the hold that evil can have when someone's emotions run raw and deep. Season two left fans on edge with copious amounts of cliffhangers and loose ends, and with a yearning for answers, satisfaction, and closure.

With gripping storylines, women showing that heroism can start from within and be a guiding light, and the steadfast fanbase who are proving each day that their fight for another season will not be deterred, Witches of East End continues to cast an internationally powerful spell on viewers. Petitions, tweets, and campaigns are still abounding, and hopefully Lifetime hasn't put the nail in the coffin of all the potential wicked ways that Witches of East End can showcase to its fans. This show has helped fill the gap in the mystical drama genre that fans are not ready to let go of. I hope that fans continue to raise their voices and show that magic, much like love, can have its consequences, but it can also bring about some of the greatest of rewards.

Tig Notaro to Host 2016 Oscars

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An open letter to the people looking for a new Oscar host.

Now, let me start by saying that I don't have a problem with Neil Patrick Harris. This letter is STRICTLY an attempt to procure work for myself and if that means bumping this dude out of the way next year, then so be it. And so without further ado --

Here are the top 11 reasons why I am the obvious choice to host the 2016 Oscars:

1. Not much scares me or makes me nervous these days due to having had all the scared and nervous yanked clean outta me a couple of years ago.

2. I was a presenter at the Grammys pre-telecast last year, which streamed online and was no doubt viewed by at LEAST a few people.

And then THIS year I actually HOSTED the Sundance Movie Awards or whatever they're called, which I'm excited to finally announce also streamed live.

What I'm saying is, it'll be nice for the folks at home to see a familiar face.

Please enjoy a photo of how casual yet confident I am off-podium:

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3. Whenever I tour through middle America, inevitably three people a week tell me I look EXACTLY like award show host favorite Ellen Degeneres, to which I respond, "Oh, so basically you can tell that I don't have a boyfriend."

Personally, I don't see the resemblance, but you decide for yourself:

Me presenting at The Grammys.

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Ellen on her day off.

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4. I've been known to perform topless, just like Mr. NPH did.

5. I live relatively close to the theater and wouldn't be late.

6. I'd be more than happy to promote the ceremony on my podcast at no charge to the Academy!!!

7. I'm drop-dead cute in a suit. See for yourself:

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8. Several years back, I was hired by comedian Aziz Ansari for an entire day to write for the MTV Movie Awards when he was host and then -- BAM! -- the next year writer/executive producer Jill Soloway hired me for an entire half day to write for the Emmys when Jane Lynch hosted -- so I really know the ins and outs of the whole process, basically.

9. I've only seen Grease and Star Wars, so after-party chitchat will be a definite strength.

10. My relatives back home in Mississippi always say: "Why don't you host the Oscars! You'd be so good at that!"

11. Might as well hire me now before the Latin Grammys catch wind of my availability and scoop me up.

Thank you for your relentless support and attention to this matter,

Tig
Master of Ceremonies 2016

P.S. Please see to it that this letter goes viral.

#HashTigOscars

Oscar Night Acceptance Speeches

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For the last several years, and maybe even my entire adult life, I've been complaining about acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies... particularly the Oscars.

The winners are huge pop culture icons, snagging the award of their lifetime... with a global platform for three minutes to actually say something important.

To be honest, most of the time the winners drone on and on trying to thank everyone on their mental list. The really awful ones actually pull out a folded piece of paper. C'mon, you're are actors... you know what to do when you are in the spotlight.

Sure, there have been some highlights through the years. Like Tom Hanks when he won for Philadelphia, bringing overnight empathy to the AIDS crisis when very few were acknowledging it. Last year, Jared Leto stole the show very early in the night with his moving acceptance speech honoring both his mom and the transgender population. Very few followed suit.

Which is why when Patricia Arquette spoke about wage equality when she won Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood, I wasn't holding my breathe for any more inspiration. She said it well, I will say that, and completely understood the power she possessed for those three minutes. But I thought that might be it.

It turns out that she set a trend.

We finally finally finally had a number of acceptance speeches that tackled cultural issues that we are facing. Finally the acceptance speeches reflected us and what we are all going through, collectively.

Like when John Legend and Common won for their song from Selma. They didn't waste their time thanking all of the musicians... I'm sure that they've already done that. They took the stage and sent us a message about justice and equality. Unbelievably articulate and inspiring.

Then we got a surprise from Graham Moore, when he won for Best Screenplay. He bravely admitted that he had once attempted suicide, and encouraged us all to "stay weird." Look how far he has come... look how far any of us have come. Brave indeed.

I just knew in my heart of hearts that Julianne Moore would win for Best Actress...it was her turn IMHO. While her speech did get admittedly jumbled, she spoke brilliantly about understanding Alzheimer's disease, as portrayed by her role in Still Alice. A very misunderstood disease that needs a little more understanding. Ok, a lot more understanding but it's time like these that propel us forward. Thank you.

So sure, the opening number from NPH was fantastic and the musical numbers were breathtaking (not a dry eye in the house after Legend/Common), but it was the string of acceptance speeches that left me inspired.

Just as they should. What's your experience? JIM.

Celebrities Tweet About the Oscars

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This past Sunday, the Twittersphere was buzzing with all things Oscar. According to data supplied by Twitter, here's how the evening played out.

Most tweeted-about moments (measured in Tweets per minute):
  • Lady Gaga performs and then Julie Andrews joins her onstage.

  • Alejandro Iñárritu wins Best Picture for Birdman.

  • Patricia Arquette's Best Supporting Actress acceptance speech.


Most Tweeted-about celebrities:
  • Lady Gaga

  • Patricia Arquette

  • John Legend


Films that received the most mentions on Twitter:
  • Birdman

  • The Grand Budapest Hotel

  • Boyhood


Most mentioned celebrities on the red carpet:
  • Dakota Johnson

  • Lady Gaga

  • Lupita Nyong'o

  • Jennifer Lopez

  • Rosamund Pike


And of course, many celebrities including Steve Martin, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Ellen DeGeneres, Idris Elba and Bette Midler tweeted about the Academy Awards. Click to this Parade.com story to see what they said.

The Visible and the Invisible at the 87th Annual Oscars

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On Sunday night, like many of you, I watched the Academy Awards. I have always admired the art of film, but one aspect of the medium I am particularly grateful for is the voice is provides for those individuals and groups who have been marginalized throughout their lives. This Oscar season, political and social justice in America felt like more pertinent themes than ever. The films themselves -- from Selma to The Imitation Game to Still Alice and The Theory of Everything -- reflect historical and contemporary struggles with racism, gender and sexual discrimination, as well as personal health. Yet ironically, amidst the diversity of subjects remained a predominantly white male heteronormative image.

Within the plastic bubble of Hollywood, it's no secret that honesty is a rare commodity. So when nominees take advantage of their thirty-second time slots to bring attention to important social issues, I cheer them on whole-heartedly. My friends and I applauded during Patricia Arquette's speech in which she demanded that it was time for women to have equal rights in America. I smiled and nodded when Graham Moore, the screenwriter of The Imitation Game, encouraged LGBT adolescents to "stay weird."

By reaching out to those with whom these figures self-identify, celebrities empower entire populations. The most evident example of this phenomenon was when Alejandro Gozàlez Iñárritu, the director of Birdman, addressed his fellow Mexicans in his acceptance speech, saying, "The ones who live in Mexico, I pray that we can find and build the government that we deserve." (After Iñárritu's speech, the hashtag #VivaMexico began trending on social media sites like Twitter.)

I could talk endlessly about the roles of marginalized groups in film, but I will not attempt to do that here. I would like to focus on the politically oriented messages delivered during this year's Oscars. Messages like the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science's statement that, "At the Oscars...we honor filmmakers who cross borders and test boundaries...who encourage us to see the world and those around us in new ways." (Cheryll Boone Isaacs was recently voted in as the AMPAS's first ever African-American president and third female president.) Some messages from this Oscar season showed progress -- like a Mexican-American director winning the Oscar for best director two years in a row (last year was Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity). Other messages showed that we still have a long way to go, like the fact that six (arguably seven, if you include The Grand Budapest Hotel) out of the eight nominees for best picture featured a white male lead.

Despite the social turmoil, I believe that we live in one of the most exciting times in cinematic history. Films and the art of filmmaking are more accessible than ever, genres are blending together and technology is ever improving. But I worry that the social and political progression of America has not kept up with the fast-paced development of film technology. Don't get me wrong, I loved Boyhood and Birdman. (Still a little heartbroken about Boyhood not winning best picture, we won't go into that.) Richard Linklater's intimate look at a boy coming of age was beyond heartwarming, and the sweeping camera work in Iñárritu's film made me dizzy in a good way.

But lately I've found myself wanting more from film -- the new, the feminine, the "other." In an ideal world, this year's Oscars would help catapult radical change in the industry.

If anything, I think the ceremony at least made it clear that this change is necessary. Filmmakers, screenwriters, actresses and actors have helped to open up a political dialog. There has been some measurable progress, but there are still many faces to be seen and voices to be heard. My only hope is that films of the future will answer this call.

What We Do in the Shadows: Bloody Good!

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Just when you thought you were safe from vampires ... when it seemed the genre might have tired blood or be coffin contained ...What We Do in the Shadows gives vampires new life!

This very funny mockumentary will get a rise out of anyone still fogging the mirror. Shadows is a slice of life rendering of four very, very old flat mates in Wellington, New Zealand. Viago (Taika Waititi), Deacon (Jonathan Brugh), Petyr (Ben Fransham) and, of course, Vlad (Jemaine Clement), ranging in age from whippersnapper 183 to a spry 8000 years old.

In true reality style, the film sheds light on the very real problems of these daylight averse nocturnal creatures. Some difficulties arise from their failure to adapt to group life. Vlad hasn't cleaned the dishes in five years, Viago complains, pointing out a sink full of bloody plates, bowls, glasses and utensils. They don't seem to be able to adhere to schedules or the dictates of the house chore wheel. Vacuuming seems to consist of dragging dust catching corpses along the floor.

The vampires get some assistance from their servant Jackie (Jackie Van Beek). She aspires to join their ranks, but the crew are more interested in using her to lure other fresh blood into the house. An overly frisky Petyr gives Jackie's visiting ex-boyfriend Nick an inaugural bite. A true convert, Nick gets house members in trouble, loudly proclaiming his new status. Attracted by his blood curdling shrieks, two police officers inspect the house, ignoring the mayhem, but advising the inhabitants to correct a series of petty violations. Nick's friend Stu (Stuart Rutherford) hovers on the periphery, a human foil whose nerdyness seems less alive than the walking dead.

Nightlife is certainly the focus of these nefarious nocturnals. Humor cum horror reigns as the Nosferatutu clad boys wander Wellington's watering holes. They are regulars at a local vampire club and attend a spirited masquerade ball. But there is bad blood when Vlad bumps into his old flame Paula, whom he refers to as The Beast. Clearly Paula has been necking with others!

Similarly the group's encounters with a gang of local werewolves get off on the wrong foot. After much woofing and barking up the wrong tree, the two groups bury their grievances. Not do only do the vampires reconcile with the other otherworldly, but they stagger toward managing to survive in the world they don't really live in. Certainly their success . . . and longevity . . . gives rise to the possibility of many sequels!

The film is directed with a light hand, a wink and a nod by Clement and Waititi (also known as Taika Cohen). The pair won New Zealand's most important comedy prize the Billy T. Award in 1999. Waititi's short film Two Cars, One Night (2004) was nominated for an Academy Award. Hopefully Waititi and Clement will use their supernatural powers to breathe life into other genres, as well.

The 7 Most Eagerly Awaited Celebrity Babies

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With the coming of Spring 2015, we're noticing more and more baby bumps. Mallory Moss, co-founder of BabyNames.com, presents her list of the most eagerly awaited celebrity babies. From weeks to months, these babies are on their way to stardom!

  1. William & Kate, Prince & Princess of Cambridge, due April 2015. Probably the world's most eagerly awaited baby of 2015 is William & Kate's second child. As most know, their first child was a son, George Alexander Louis. Controversy exists whether or not to name a daughter Diana...see 8 Reasons Why William & Kate Should Not Name their Baby Girl Diana. Suggestions for a girl include Louisa Victoria & Mary-Elizabeth Alice. Suggestion for a boy worth of royalty: Thomas Albert Claude.


  2. Bethany Hamilton & Adam Dirks, due June 2015. The web was on fire when news came out that Bethany Hamilton and her husband Adam Dirks were having a baby. Bethany should find childbirth no problem as she is indeed a survivor. She fought off a shark in 2003 and then turned around to win several surfing competitions, even as recently as last year. In 2014, Bethany and Adam had to fight off competitors on the television show Amazing Race, after which their popularity soared. Our recommended baby name for a boy is Caleb Kai Hamilton Dirks and for a girl, we suggest Rebecca Leilani Hamilton Dirks.


  3. Carrie Underwood & Mike Fisher, due about April 2015. With less than 2 months to go, baby Fisher just may be the first baby born on this list. In press, Carrie and Mike have joked about names but are waiting to reveal the baby boy's name after he is born. Name recommendations include Henry "Hank" Stephen Fisher and Lulu Belle Fisher.


  4. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel, due April 2015. Talk about star power! These A-list actors are going to have a baby race with Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher. Due March or April, these folks won the best baby announcement award, a photo of Justin kissing Jessica's baby bump. Our suggestion for a girl baby name is Jaycee May Timberlake; for a boy, we suggest Jordan Biel Timberlake.

  5. Sophie B. Hawkins, due July 2015. Young Dashiell has a brother or sister on the way! Sophie B. Hawkins has used one of her own eggs, frozen 20 years ago, and donor sperm to create her baby bump. Since she loves the name Dashiell, we would like to suggest Daisy Jo Hawkins for a girl and Chandler Poe for a boy.


  6. Terrance & Miranda Howard, due sometime this spring/summer. Did anyone catch that gorgeous baby bump on the red carpet at the Oscars last Sunday? In an amazing black dress with a gentle wrap around her bump, we wonder if her dress was Dolce & Gabbanna to match his tuxedo. Terrance's children and grandchild are named Aubrey, Hunter, Haven, and Hazel so we think H names are the way to go. How about Hannah Mimi Howard for a girl and Hayden Jay Howard for a boy?


  7. Ashlee Simpson & Evan Ross, due 2015. Although we do not know the due date, we do know that a lovely baby is on the way for Ashlee and Evan, the son of Diana Ross. We also know the proud parents-to-be will come up with a unique baby name for Bronx Mowgli's little sib! May we suggest Catra Akila (Akila is also from "The Jungle Book") or Gryphon Dion?
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